Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

Fernbank with Friends!

Flanna and Max are so sweet together!

Flanna and I met up with my friend Sara and her kiddos (Max and baby Malcolm--sooo cute!) at Fernbank a bit ago.  I meant to post the pics, and then work got crazy busy, but I just found them again and had to share them!

I love Sara so much!  And not just because I've known her forever (although it does make me happy to be with a friend who gets my Athens references!), and not just because she's hilarious (although she really really is), and not just because she lives close by and is always up for a last minute get together (although I really appreciate friends who are open to last minute fun!), but mostly because she is one of those amazing and wonderful moms who does everything perfectly but who doesn't make you feel guilty that you aren't as amazing or perfect as she is.  She's just so calm and nurturing and organized and sweet and self-deprecating all at once, that I can't help but love being around her.  

Anyway, here are some of the photos from our time together!   We were not impressed with the "Poop" exhibit at Fernbank, which I think could've been really cool, but there just weren't many hands-on activities to make it hold the kids' interest.  Too bad.  But we love Fernbank, anyway, especially the cool indoor nature playground area.  Totally worth the membership.

Flannery giving kisses to the baby alligators

What local friend are you amazingly thankful for?  

Create "I Love You" Rituals

I'm reading a book called "I Love You Rituals" right now that is really interesting.  It gives lots of ideas of ways to increase your bond/attachment and trust with young children.  I'm really enjoying it when I have a spare second to read it (which hasn't been all that often these past weeks).

Anyway, one of the little "I Love You Rituals" the author suggests is the "What did you bring home from school today?" ritual.  It goes like this:

When you pick your child up or first see your child after school, you ask, "What did you bring home from school today?"  But then instead of focusing on objects or clothing, you describe the child's physical or personality characteristics.  For example, today I told Flanna:  "You brought your long dark eyelashes.  You brought your rosy pink cheeks.  You brought your golden eyes.  You brought your hair that curls up at the ends.  You brought a scratch on your chin.  You brought two freckles on the back of your arm.  You brought your sweet smile and laugh.  You brought your kind heart and spirit.", etc.  The point of the game is to help your child feel very specifically noticed, regarded, and loved.

I've played it a few times with Flannery this week, and she has been so cute, offering up other ideas of things she has brought home (boo-boos, new band aids, rocks for her rock collection, etc.).   And I really do think it has helped her feel less rushed from school when I pick her up and more positively noticed and appreciated.

Now, if someone can just write a book about how to make kids fall asleep before 9 p.m. after the time change!   I am ready for things to get back to normal!



How do you make the people you love feel noticed and special?

My Life in Pictures

I feel so lucky to have such kind and fun (and interesting and intelligent) friends back in Athens.  It warms my heart to think of my dear friends raising such neat kiddos.  I have treasured these photos for days trying to decide which ones to post, and I finally just decided to give in and post them all.   So, here it is, folks:  my life in pictures, Athens style.   

visiting our old garden

visiting our old house, and the neighbor's cat Cornbread seems to remember us

sweet brothers

playdate fun

How do you keep up with friends who don't live close by?  Do you have regularly scheduled gatherings, or just play it by ear?  

Create Something with Your Hands - Our New Motto

My niece and my daughter love to spend hours outside in the back yard digging and "cooking" and creating their own little imaginary world.   I let them have an old sheet I was going to send to Goodwill, and they added to our teepee to create something really special, complete with ribbons and pipe cleaner 

decorations (that look pretty native to me).   They were so pleased with themselves, and Flannery gets a kick out of seeing her hand-made teepee every time we go outside.  

Create something with your hands.  It's our new motto, and it really does boost our happiness around here.  

What have you created lately that you were proud of?

Experience Nature

I had the sweetest little moment this evening.

After work, Flanna and I had dropped by my friend's house (where we're  keeping all of our boxes and furniture until we find our place) to pick up a princess dress from among our packed boxes.  (Apparently I was severely mistaken to think that Flanna could go 6 weeks without her princess dresses.)

Annnyway, we thought we'd check to see if the horses were around so we could see them and pet them a bit.  (There's a barn with 2 horses behind the house.)  We called to the horses with our clicky little noises, and both horses--one dark brown, one light brown (am I revealing how little I know about horses?)-- came eagerly to the fence.  I wasn't sure how calm or gentle they were, so I pet them a bit at first to see if they were gentle enough for Flannery.  And, oh, my!  They were so calm and sweet!

Flannery pet the light brown horse for so long that the horse actually closed her eyes, lay her head atop the fence, and seemed to be falling asleep while we were petting her.  It was such a peaceful moment of connection, and just a completely different world from the traffic and craziness of earlier that day.  I think Flannery and I both breathed more deeply.

Time spent in nature is restorative.  Is beautiful.  Is good for us.  Is a real gift.

And I'm thankful for it.



How can you experience nature this weekend?




Oh,  by the way, if you want to see some adorable pictures, just google "horse nose."  Who knew horse noses were so photogenic?

Experience Nature

I am so excited that spring is here.  I just love the transition from one season to the next.  The comfort of warmth after a long cold.  The freedom to be outside after months of feeling sequestered.   The fun of all the blooms and newness.

Last weekend, Flannery and I transplanted some of our seedlings into pots outside.  We had shovels, but Flannery decided to use her hands because, as she says, "I love to get muddy."  So far, only a few of our seedlings have been stolen by squirrels (or flexible rabbits?) :).  And we're hoping to get our herbs and tomatoes transplanted soon.

Being in nature is so restorative to me.  There's a calm that I don't think can just be attributed to a relaxing day off.  That's why I've made "Experience Nature" one of my happiness commandments.  When I follow it, it really does boost my happiness.



And now, for a weekend of muddy hands once again.

How are you going to experience nature on this "spring commencing" weekend?

How do you feeeeel about that?

 

I've been trying to decide whether it violates my daughter's right to privacy to post this, and I've finally come to the conclusion that she might want to know the story one day.  Soooo...

We recently took Flanna for testing at Duke's ever-so-respected ADHD Clinic.  I'd been reading about ADHD for quite a while and had been concerned about it being a possibility for her since a few months ago.  It took eons to get her in for an appointment because of their long waiting list, but in the meantime, we filled out zillions of questionnaires, had her teachers fill out zillions of questionnaires, and twiddled our thumbs until the appointment.  

The day of the appointment arrived at last, and, as requested, we brought a babysitter with us so both Robi and I could talk to the psychologist for hours and hours.  The sitter played with Flannery while we filled out more questionnaires and answered questions.  Then, the psychologist brought Flannery back into the office and observed her playing with us.  First, the psychologist observed us during natural non-directive play, and then she asked that we be very directive in the second observation.  After that, she worked with Flannery a bit herself while we waited in hungry silence with the babysitter.  (I'm not being poetic...we were just starving by that time.  And waiting with a sitter who's been stuck with your four year old in a waiting room for four and a half hours while you're waiting to find out some pretty big and personal news is not awkward at all, by the way.) 

Then, the sitter again watched Flannery while the psychologist gave us the results.  

And the results were pretty straightforward.  Our sweet Flanna has ADHD, as we had guessed.  The psychologist said it seems to be a mild case, and didn't recommend medication, but did recommend that we put several behavioral interventions into place.  Then, the psychologist got quiet, tilted her head to one side, and said, "So, how do you feel about that?"

I admit it.  I got a little emotional.  I'm not sure if it was noticeable, but my voice wavered a little as I said, "Yes,  that's what we expected."  And my eyes teared up a tiny bit as I asked, "So, what books and resources do you recommend we read?"   And as we were leaving, a voice in the back of my head wondered, "Maybe they made a mistake.  People do get misdiagnosed.  And she's so young."  

I never actually answered the "how do you feel" question at all that day.  I think that, although intellectually, I'd been pretty convinced that Flannery was going to get a diagnosis, I was still, on some level, hoping that I was an overprotective worry-wart of a parent, that the subtle things I noticed would just be subclinical quirkiness, and that the doctor would tell us that yes, our child was energetic and talkative, but isn't every four year old?  

It's been a little over a month since that day.  We've been trying out the recommended strategies, using behavior charts to reward everything from sitting at the dinner table to getting dressed for school.  We've been reading books and articles, and trying to be better advocates for Flanna at her school.  Some days, things can get pretty intense and exhausting, and other days, I completely forget about ADHD.  

And now that we've had some time to absorb the diagnosis, I think I'm ready to answer that question.  So, how do we feel about it?

Like we've got a heck of a lot of learning to do to be able to help our smartypants kiddo push through the frustration of ADHD so she can be and do whatever she wants to be and do one day.  

How do you feel about the prevalence of ADHD these days?  Do you think it's overdiagnosed?, that it's a natural consequence of the barrage of input children receive these days?, that it's worsened by the amount of "sitting still" our traditional schools require?  I'd love to hear what you guys think.  

Speak Your Child's Love Language

I've been trying to figure out my daughter Flannery's love language for a few weeks now.  I've talked with her about love, watched how she responds to different things we do, and most of all tried to pay attention to what she complains about (this is a trick Chapman mentions--often, what we complain most about is a cue to our love language).

Here's what I've gathered:

Flannery wants to be listened to, with full attention, to have us look at her and repeat back to her what she just said so she knows we really heard her.

Flannery seeks out hugs and kisses, loves to sit in our laps, wants to cuddle and snuggle, and especially enjoys watching her favorite movies while snuggling with us.

When asked what we do that makes her feel loved, she replied, "When you do things that I like."

She most often complains about us not looking when she wants us to look at something, or about her friend not listening to her.  She complains if she's talking to us and she doesn't get full attention (looking and listening to her).

She enjoys specific praise about what she's done well that day (her 3 things).

She gets very upset if she asks for help and we can't help her with a task.  She also gets very upset if a friend bumps her accidentally or pushes her away while they're playing.

She most often says, "I love you," without being prompted to, when we're cuddling/hugging/snuggling with her.

Sooooo, what do you think her love language is?  Here are the possibilities:
1.  Words of affirmation
2.  Quality time
3.  Receiving gifts
4.  Acts of service
5.  Physical touch

I'm thinking that quality time (eye contact, undivided attention, listening to her, doing things she enjoys) and physical touch (hugs, kisses, being held, pats on the back, holding her hand, being there with her, being easily accessible, etc.) are probably her primary love languages.  And I think that she appreciates words of affirmation and acts of service, but perhaps to a lesser degree.

So, I'm going to try to hug more, cuddle more, give more kisses to her, and to spend more quality time together each day.  Even 5 minutes a day of my complete undivided attention (no cooking/cleaning while we're playing!) is a good start, I think.



Have you tried to pay attention to your loved ones' love languages lately?  What have you deduced from being a super sleuth?

Work Hard to Make a Connection

This holiday weekend, it's been so wonderful to be able to spend tons of time at home. I've spent a good bit of time cooking, cleaning, getting out winter clothes, cleaning out clothes that Flanna's outgrown, and decorating for Christmas. It's all stuff that needs to be done, and it makes me happy to have a few of these projects out of the way now. You know how "doing what needs to be done" makes me happier!

But I've found that amidst all that productivity, I actually have to remind myself to set all the household chores aside for a bit and make a real connection with my family. You know, talk to each other and look in one another's eyes when we talk rather than trying to do 3 things at once while I'm hanging out with them. Once I started paying attention to how often I actually look my hubby and daughter in the eyes during the day, I was shocked to realize how often I multitask while I'm "talking" to them. So, I'm trying to make a point to let myself pause every now and then to really focus on them. It's hard work to juggle life and housework and family relationships, but how often do I take the last for granted and forget to "Work Hard to Make a Connection?"

So, today, Flanna and I had a morning off from housework. We spent some time playing at the park, going to ToysRUs to spend her birthday money, and then we even ate at McDonald's where she could play at their "park." (really, it's more of a hampster maze, but for some reason, she loves it!) It was rejuvenating to pay good attention to one another, to share sweet winks and play chase and collect bouquets of gingko leaves together.

And now, sigh, I must get back to the laundry. But I promise to take a few moments here and there to try to connect.






Who do you need to reconnect with?

The Years Are Short

Oh, my.

Four!

Is. So. Big.

I don't know where the time has gone. The days are long, but the years are short.

I'm trying to soak up every sweet second with this amazing little four year old person.

Walking in the parking lot yesterday, she said, "Mom, you don't have to hold my hand anymore, remember? I'm four!" I told her the rule is that you hold hands until you're twelve.

I'm reeeeally not ready for twelve. Good thing I've got some time.




How do you try to soak up the moments with your family and friends?

My Official Taste Tester

Flanna helped bake her own birthday cake. I think she tasted more batter than we actually baked! But it was great fun! And the cake turned out pretty cute, if I do say so myself.



What was your most memorable birthday cake as a kid?

Funny Flanna Quotes

Today, as we came back from jumping in all the puddles and walked up to our yard, covered in tiny beautiful maple leaves:
"Wow, look at all these beee-eautiful leaves!" (Check out the leaves on our front steps looking down to our sidewalk....gorgeous after the rain!)

Walking up to her teacher at recess outside on the playground, "Miss Sandy, I'm so frustrated! I just can't get any of the boys to marry me!" (To which Miss Sandy says, "Me, neither, honey!")

When I asked her what she wanted to be when she got older, "I don't want a job. I don't want to work. I just want to live here and watch your dogs while you and daddy are at work."

Looking at the angel figurine hanging in her room, "Mom, what's the difference of angels and fairies and fairy godmothers?"




Have you heard any quotes you want to remember this week?

How to Have a Fun Playdate with a Child with Autism

I think playdates are the best. Kids get to bond. Parents get to bond. Parents get to help their children choose good friends. Kids get to share fun experiences in a safe environment with adult support. What's not to love?

When you have a child with autism, though, the "playdate" scene is sometimes closed off to you, or at least significantly limited. Your pool of playmate possibilities may already be small if you were one of the first of all your friends to have a child. But then add on top of that the challenge of inviting friends over to your home or venturing to a playdate at someone else's home when your child has difficulty with social skills. There's fear, uncertainty, worry, and a big dose of guilt if anything goes wrong during the playdate.

I've worked in early intervention with parents of children with autism for 8 years, and in that time, one of the most important things I've been able to do is to help parents navigate participation in playgroups and playdates for their children with autism. Most of the information I suggest here is wisdom I've gained from parents' trial and error, and I hope it will be helpful. Here are some ideas that I've compiled over the years:

1. Time it right. - If you're planning a playdate for the first time, timing is everything. You know your child, and what the best and worst times of day are for your child. If she normally gets cranky in the afternoon, a morning playdate might work best. If he's groggy and zoned out most of the morning, maybe right after lunch is a better idea. If your child needs a nap each day, but you really want to attend a birthday party at her typical nap time, can you come later after at least a brief nap? Don't set up the child for failure by letting your child arrive hungry, tired, overstimulated, or stressed out for the playdate.

2. Keep it short and sweet. - Short periods of interaction are probably best to start with. An hour or at most two hours is a great length to start with for playdates.

3. Small is good. - When planning a playdate, one or two other children/families might be a nice group size to start with. I especially like playdates where there are 3 parents and 3 children, because that way, if one parent is supporting the children during play, the other parents can be chatting. If parents rotate the support throughout the playdate, then every parent gets a chance to chat while not leaving the children to fend for themselves during playtime.

4. Be hands-on. - As I mentioned, it's probably a good idea for parents to support playdates initially. Have hands-on activities planned, and try to take turns with other parents for supporting each mini-activity. For instance, one parent can be the playdough helper, one can be the snack helper, and one can be the train table helper. During your time as the "supporter" of play, try to help all of the children, not just the child with autism, so that the help you give doesn't draw negative notice to the child with autism.

5. Plan a Variety of Interesting Activities - Don't let the initial few playdates be free-play situations. If you're outside, have stations set up (balls, swings, slide, sand table, water table) that encourage a variety of ways to play. If you're inside, have several activities in mind that you will do with the children. Think about varying the amount of energy and concentration needed for each activity. For instance, you might have a train table, an art activity, a snack, and outside playtime. Organize the sequence of these activities so that the child with autism isn't asked to switch from a high energy activity to quiet time during the playdate. (For instance, start quiet and work your way up to high energy, with perhaps a calming activity again at the end before you have to get kids back into the car.)

6. Work with the Children's Interests - Try to plan ahead to engage the children in activities that they will all enjoy and especially in activities of interest to the child with autism. You may want to avoid playing with toys that are an obsessive interest, and aim for toys that are enjoyed but not sources of obsession, so that the child with autism will focus on the people there as well as the toys. Also, you may want to put away toys that the child with autism is currently obsessively interested in, to avoid conflict if you try to take it away or if another child tries to play with it during the playdate.

7. Use Visuals to Promote Good Social Interactions - When children come over to my home, I typically use a visual behavior chart that tracks how well my daughter shares her toys. If I catch her sharing, I place a check mark in a box. Once she fills up a whole row of boxes with check marks, she can choose a small prize. Other parents have used social stories before playdates to teach their children what to expect ahead of time, or have established "playtime rules" (with pictures) that are posted and reviewed with the children during the playdate.

8. Expect Snafoos - Things will never go perfectly as planned during a playdate, and that's okay. When children play together, conflicts arise. Do the best you can given the situation, and when it's over, let it go. The important thing is that you and the other parents help the children deal with situations in a positive manner. If your child hits another child, or another child throws sand at your child, don't worry--it happens. The important thing is to remain calm, remain positive, and work through the problem. Show the children the appropriate behavior. Tell them in positive terms what to do. For example, "We keep sand in the sand box. We use nice hands with our friends." Then help the children do just that.

9. Review the Good Stuff - After the playdate ends, be sure to point out to your child at least 3 things that he did well during the playtime. For example, "I liked how you looked at the other children and waved goodbye! That was friendly!," "You were so brave to try that new snack at Joey's house!," or "That was really generous of you to share your paints with your friends." Over time, these praises will teach your child not only what behaviors to continue, but also will help lead her to describe herself with those words: friendly, brave, generous. Also tell yourself the things that went well for you--especially if this was a snafoo-ridden playdate. For example, "I did my best to keep my son engaged today," or "I got to connect with another adult today."

10. Keep Trying - If one playdate totally bombs, don't feel guilty. Keep trying to find the right match for your child. Experiment with varying the time of day, the location of the playdate, the energy level of the activities, the types of sensory experiences, the playmates themselves, or the amount of parental support provided, and then keep trying to find a good combination that works for you and your child.

Also, I wanted to share a little quote I read from the Autism Digest's Spring e-Guide. A group of 25 moms got together to create a cheat-sheet for friends for how to best support parents of children with autism, and one of the things they suggested is:

"Our kids need friends, and even though their social skills are poor, they will never get better if you're not willing to let your neurotypical child play with ours. We can work together to create a positive experience for all the children involved."

Preach it, girls!



Let me know how your playdates go! I'd love to hear successes or horror stories alike! How else can we learn but to just get out there and try?

Don't Base Your Happiness on Other People's Mood

I'm often guilty of feeling responsible for my family's overall happiness or mood. Which can be a good motivator at times. I mean, my family is often happier when I can be lighthearted and silly with them, when I plan fun things into our week, and when I make a point to try to take time for myself so that I can be energetic and not drained when we're together. So, feeling responsible for the overall mood of my family can sometimes inspire me to take good actions.

But sometimes, regardless of how lighthearted and silly I am, or whether we've had fun times together, my daughter's mood can be a little sour. She's a kid, for goodness sake. She can't always be in a cheerful mood. As Flannery O'Conner says, "Kids have the weight of the world on their shoulders." Really, it's tough to do what people say all the time, and to have to follow what seem like arbitrary rules, and to have to eat stuff you don't like just because mom says, and to have to share your toys all the time.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that my child's mood should not dictate my own. She has no responsibility to be happy so I'll be happy. And it's unfair to expect anyone to be happy or cheerful all the time. We all have negative emotions, and it takes a long time to learn how to deal with those emotions. It's funny, it seems so natural to separate ourselves from a colleague, a family member, or a spouse who's had a bad day and is in a bad mood. We can chalk it up to stress or a tight deadline or something unrelated to ourselves. But when it's my daughter, I have a much harder time separating myself from her moods, from feeling responsible for them even. Which is just silly.

Anyway, I'm working on it. If you notice me all exasperated at Target with a grumpy kid in tow one day, remind me that I'm working on it!

I thought it was neat that I was able to capture a few of Flanna's different moods in these pictures of our museum trip yesterday. I especially love the deep thinking photo of her above!








Do you find yourself feeling responsible for your family members' moods? Or stressing over other things you can't really control?