Anticipate Fun

The day of our engagement!  On top of Stone Mountain.

We're planning a day trip to Stone Mountain this weekend, and I'm really excited about it!  Stone Mountain holds a special place in my heart, because it's where Robi proposed to me.  And also, we've had a tradition of going to "Snow Mountain" for the past several years during the winter break, so keeping up with that tradition makes me happy, too!

I try to remember to "anticipate fun," because looking forward to fun times makes me happier!  And I'm not the only one who gets extra happiness from anticipating fun.  The authors of this article in the journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life found that vacationers get a strong happiness boost before vacations, and have much higher levels of happiness than non-vacationers when looking forward to a vacation.  (After vacations, not so much!)

I try to let Flannery know our future plans, so she can benefit from anticipating our fun trips, too. Today on our morning commute, I talked to her about our upcoming Snow Mountain trip, and what we might do there--getting cocoa, building a snowman, sledding/tubing, perhaps riding the train around the mountain.  It really does make me happy to think ahead about the good times we're planning as a family.   We also have a quick weekend camping trip planned in a few months, and a beach trip we're planning for the summer, and just thinking about those getaways puts me in an instant good mood.

So, what fun time are you anticipating?  If you don't have a fun trip or vacation planned yet, is there a quick weekend trip you could start planning?  Do it!  Just be sure to plan it far enough in advance to soak up the anticipatory happiness!

Be Unhurried

My new favorite nail color -- Rosy Future.  Nice and natural but shiny. 

This has been the first weekend in a while that we didn't have big plans, and it has been so rejuvenating.  I slept in a tiny bit, took a nice long bath, and made breakfast--french toast for Flanna and her friend who's staying over this weekend, and eggs and sausage for the grown ups.  And I didn't feel hurried through any of those tasks!  It was so nice.

Then, I went to yoga with a friend, and we ran into another friend at the gym and ended up taking a nice long walk after the yoga class.  Again, unhurried--so nice!

Then, I came home and had lunch, painted my nails and the girls' (love this new color!), and made myself some hot tea (Cinnamon Chai, yum).  And now I have a few hours of endless options before Flanna has her Valentine's Dance for school.  Should I read a book?  Check Facebook?  Take a nap?  (Sleeping is my hobby!  That option sounds the best!)

As much as I love doing fun things and being with friends and family, sometimes it can be exhausting to go, go, go every weekend.  Being unhurried this morning has been refreshing!  Which makes me think that perhaps I should try harder to be unhurried more often in my normal routine. I could plan in a little margin of error in our morning commute, maybe.  I could more consistently make lunches at night, when there is no time pressure, rather than in the mornings when we are on a tight schedule.  I could plan my meals for the week ahead of time and be sure I have everything I need for each one, so I don't have to stop by the grocery store for any missing ingredients on the way home from work and school.  I could give myself a wide window between activities and appointments.  That way, when my daughter remembers that her jacket is all the way upstairs at the exact moment that we should be walking out the door for something, I can respond calmly, because I have planned ahead to be unhurried.  I'm definitely less snappish when I don't have to hurry.  And being non-snappish definitely makes me happier!



Do you feel this way, too?  That you're always hurrying and need to step back from that?  How can you try to be less hurried this week?  

Getting ready for her Valentine's Dance today

Tell Your Tough Family Stories

Flanna, age 2

I was talking to my daughter recently about her earliest memory.  She says she can remember me singing while I stood holding her in the shower in our green tiled bathroom with the bamboo shower curtain in our old home on Pulaski Street in Athens, GA.  She would've been about 2 at that time.  I do remember that moment, because it was unusual for me to hold her in the shower.  I usually gave her a bath, and even if I had given her a shower, I would usually just hold her hand and let her stand in the shower because I was too nervous I would drop her if I was holding her.  But on that morning, she had been sick, and I wanted to hold her up high so she could breathe in more steam from the shower.   I remember being nervous and holding her slippery soapy body so tightly, so she couldn't wiggle out of my arms.  But she just remembers a sweet warm care-taking experience, thank goodness, not my fear of her slipping!

Anyway, she asked why she doesn't remember anything from before this memory.  There were probably zillions of things that happened before that day that were just as interesting, if not more interesting than that first memory.  And I told her that one of my professors had taught me that we often do have sensory memories from before our "first memory," but that until we can understand and tell stories, we aren't able to encode those memories so that we can later recall them.  It was probably around 2 or 2 1/2 when she was first able to understand and tell simple stories, and that's probably why she remembers and can recall this moment.  

I think a lot about how stories are so important to us as humans.  Stories help us make sense of who we are, of who our family is and was, of how we got to this place and where we might go.  Stories are more than just looking back and reminiscing, they are actually important in how we see ourselves as connected to the world and what we think of ourselves individually.  Carol Westby, a brilliant SLP and researcher,  remarked in a recent journal article about the importance of teaching children to create stories about their own lives, "A coherent life story can lead to making informed choices, learning to effectively solve problems, and taking control of and responsibility for one’s life." Also, as I've discussed before in this blog, researchers at Emory University's Family Narratives lab say, "... adolescents who are embedded in a storied family history show higher levels of emotional well-being, perhaps because these stories provide larger narrative frameworks for understanding self and the world, and because these stories help provide a sense of continuity across generations in ways that promote a secure identity (see Fivush, Bohanek, & Duke, 2008, for a full theoretical discussion)."  When we can tell a story about how we overcame an obstacle, or how our family members faced strife but persevered, we help our children become more reflective individuals who can calmly face problems, flip back through their library of their own or others' experiences, and come up with solutions that might work in this case.

So, don't sugar coat your family history.  Tell your children the good family memories, but also the hard ones.  For Flanna, some of those include:  How her great great grandma died young, but the older children took care of the younger children as well as they could for as long as they could.  How the younger ones had to be sent to an orphanage, but they kept in touch and always sent letters back and forth.  How her grandparents worked hard physical jobs that were tough on their bodies in order to earn enough money to send their children to college, and their children were the first to graduate college on either side of the family.  How her great grandpa had a car wreck that caused a spinal cord injury but worked hard to relearn things with therapy and really enjoyed the therapy dogs that would visit the rehab center. How her great aunt wanted to have children for so many years and didn't give up and finally became a mom for the first time in her 40s.  How her grandmother had to move from one state to another the summer before her senior year of high school, and how that felt like the end of the world, but actually allowed her to meet her future husband.  How her great grandpa realized as an older man that he was actually homosexual, and how hard that was for the family, but also how it was probably such a relief for him not to feel like he was hiding his true self anymore.  How her great grandmother grew up in poverty but became a Women's Army Corps member and learned skills and got a great job as a switchboard operator and was able to provide for herself even after her divorce.

Giving our children the good stories along with the bad can steel them for the tough times in their own lives.  From our family stories, Flannery could learn:  that families take care of one another, that families work hard to stay connected, that our family values education, that it runs in her family to love animals, that children are a gift not a burden, that sometimes scary changes work out well in the end, that you need to listen to your heart and be true to yourself about who you are from the beginning, that it's smart to work hard and be independent and always be able to provide for yourself. It's hard and scary to talk about difficult things with our children, and we definitely need to wait until they are old enough to understand the concepts, but it's important to be bold enough to tell our tough family stories as well as the good memories.


What family stories do you think have shaped who you are as a person? What stories do you want to be sure to pass down to your children or your children's children?

References:

Fivush, R., Bohanek, J. G., & Zaman, W. (2010). Personal and intergenerational narrativesin relation to adolescents’ well-being. In T. Habermas (Ed.), The development of autobiographicalreasoning in adolescence and beyond. New Directions for Child and AdolescentDevelopment, 131, 45–57.

Westby, C. & Culatta, B. (2016, Oct.). Telling tales:  Personal event narratives and life stories. Language Speech and Hearing Services in Schools, Vol. 47, pp. 260-282.

Do What You Love

art by my Great Aunt Elsie

Lately I've been giving myself permission to read and write more.  To let the laundry pile up and the dishes wait to be unloaded.  Because when I am stressed out and busy and don't let myself do what I love, I become a strange tense version of myself that I don't want to be.

Anywho.  One of the benefits of letting myself write more is having something to share on my little blog!   Below, I'm posting a poem I wrote about my Great-aunt Elsie. Enjoy!  (And by the way, what will you do this week that you just love?)


Card Castle

I never visited her,

my great aunt Elsie,

Never saw the life she built

out of the bad hand she was dealt.

Born to an overwhelmed father and an ailing mother,

with so many mouths to feed

in the Great Depression.

Not a single ace or king, nothing up her sleeve.

Her mother passed (Passed what? The final test?)

and her older sister (my grandmother) tried to care for them—

Elsie and her tiny twin brothers--,

but

her young newlywed husband (my grandfather) just couldn’t handle it. 

and so, it was off to the orphanage.

My grandmother stood tall, in heels and her best skirt,

uncertain,

watching small, wiry Elsie twist her dark auburn hair.

Finally, she signed the papers at the counter, so many words stuck in her throat,

and the clerk hurrying her with his eyes.

I don’t know much about the orphanage, 

except that that’s where my grandmother said

Elsie must’ve learned to be a lesbian.

Long years of living with so many other girls 

and no boys, she explained.

But I have the wisdom of time, 

and so many homosexual branches off my family tree.

Genetics are genetics.

My sister visited their apartment once, in Seattle,

Great Aunt Elsie and her artist partner.

They painted flowers and trees and laughed from a purple velvet couch.

They walked down to the farmer’s market every Saturday.

I like to picture them side by side,

Gray hair swaying,

pushing bicycles with baskets heavy laden 

through the shining streets.

I like to study her art hanging on the wall 

in my hallway in California.

The beauty she created smiles out at me.

I like to think of her, her head tilted,

considering the lines, the light, 

contemplating,

a cat sunning in her window.

I like to think of how she built a quiet castle

out of a bad hand of cards.  

Be Unhurried: A Lazy Sunday

Flanna's bed head and our cute pup

Today we had a long breakfast with our sweet friends from back home and then saw them off.   And then we had a lazy day at home.  We had all intentions of going to the park, but now it's dinner time and that just didn't happen!  But we had fun!  I read a little poetry.  Flanna put on a Barbie wedding, complete with song performances, and taught herself how to play Minecraft.  And Robi worked a while and now is grilling our dinner.  It was definitely an unhurried day, which is a welcome change and really boosted my happiness!



What about you?  Did you get a chance to "be unhurried" this weekend? 

Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

My Life in Pictures: Spring Break!

On Flanna's spring break, we went down to my parents' house by the beach.  It was so lovely!  The water was cold, so we didn't actually swim in the ocean, but we built sand-castles and splashed in the waves and took a gazillion long walks down the beach!  It was such a gift to get to spend some extended time together with both my parents!   Since my dad travels for work, those times when everyone is free and available to just "hang out" together are so rare!

What is your favorite spring break memory?

Take Time Off for Field Trips

I missed a field trip this school year.

One field trip.  Out of the three field trips Flanna's class has been on so far.

So, those stats aren't bad, right?  For 66% of field trips, I was present and accounted for.

But then Flanna's teacher sent out photos from her field trip to the airport.  The field trip I just couldn't make.  And poor Flanna looked so distraught that I thought I might have to just quit my job right then and there and move in with my parents and become a homeschooling unschooling never missing anything in my child's life ever again type of mama.  (By the way, save the moving back in with family part, that's my ultimate secret dream, so please don't think I'm making fun of homeschooling unschooling mamas.)

Breaks my heart into a billion pieces.  

But then I took a deep breath.  And told myself the lessons I am teaching Flannery about how women can be super strong AND nurturing.  And remembered how much I love my job and am passionate about what I do, and how it brings me such joy to do what I get to do each day, plus getting paid for it!  And the crazy thoughts subsided.

And then I immediately requested off for the next 2 field trips of the school year.  Because I will never, ever, ever miss another field trip again, ever.

(By the way, here's a cute photo of Flanna on the next field trip--the one to the puppet theater, where I was happily in attendance.  And just look at that smile!  Thank goodness preschoolers don't  hold a grudge!)

What mommy guilt pulls at you the most?  

Be the Memory Keeper

I'm sure I drive my family crazy making them pose for pictures, but I am so happy that I got some of these cute photos during one of our walks to the beach during sunset.  I think I need to print a few of these on giant canvases!

my sweet parents

How do you preserve your happy memories?

Give Proofs of Love

My husband is a much better gift-giver than I am.  He is always thoughtful and personalizes gifts in a way that I feel very considered and special.  For Valentine's Day, he got me fudge hearts and some roses, but not just your ordinary vase of roses--some cool mini parade rose-bushes that I can plant outside later.  I let them sit outside yesterday to give them some full sun, and our dog Padme was so interested in them.  They must smell like some sort of food, hah.

Annnyway.  My husband's thoughtful gift giving is just one of the ways he so often gives "proofs of love" (I stole that phrase from Gretchen Rubin).   Even though I already know he loves me, it still warms my heart to hear him say so, or to receive a special gift or note from him.

I think about my daughter, too, that she often swells with pride upon getting "proofs" of our love.  Special cuddles while watching Phineas & Ferb together, extra snuggle time before bed, little thumbs ups or winks when she's being brave on the playground, and especially hearing us say what we love about her--these little things leave her smiling as she plays or gets ready for bed.

It's not enough for us to assume that everyone we love knows just how much we love them and what we love best about them.  We need to give proofs of love, give proofs of appreciation, give proofs of thought and consideration to our loved ones.

I'm working on it, and aspiring to one day match my hubby in gift-giving ability.  Or even outdo him!  Ah, now I'm just dreaming.

What about you?  Do you appreciate proofs of love?  Do you find it easy or difficult to give proofs of love to those you care about?  I think some people can feel like giving proofs of love can be little forced or fake-ish, especially when tied to a commercialized holiday--but I don't think the receiver ever feels that way.  What do you think?    

My Little Helper

Back in November with my mother-in-law.  Cute!

Flannery has been all about helping in the kitchen lately, from making her daddy's birthday cake, to making hot tea, to making macaroni and cheese, to helping with making lemonade.  I've been really impressed by how she'll stick with me throughout so many steps these days!  And she seems to get such a sense of accomplishment from helping.  Today, while she was stirring in the butter and milk, she said,  "I'm actually really making my own mac and cheese!"

She helped with every step along the way for making, frosting, and adding (gazillions of) sprinkles to her daddy's birthday cake.  And tonight, she even helped him blow out the candles!  (Happy birthday to Robi!)

The best part is that when she's helping me in the kitchen, we get to wear our matching aprons that my mother-in-law gave us back in November.  Seriously, those matching aprons might just win the prize for the "most adorable while still being useful" gift of the year.



How can you involve the children in your life more in chores and household tasks?  

Say Yes Whenever Possible

Gretchen Rubin (of Happiness Project fame) recently said something in a video she made about relationships and happiness that struck a chord with me.  She said (and this is an inexact quote, so please forgive me if I mess it up):  

When you're trying to decide whether to make a commitment, think to yourself, "Will this experience build or strengthen relationships with my friends or family?"  and, if it will, then say "yes" to that commitment. 

We had a rather hectic weekend this weekend--attending a family Christmas party, seeing a movie, helping my sister move, seeing a band, and driving to Athens to see some good friends from out of town.  It was kind of a lot to squeeze into one weekend.  And at times, I wondered if it was crazy to try to make it to all those different commitments. But I kept thinking to myself--these experiences will strengthen our relationships with our friends and family, so they're a good use of our time.

In the end, I admit we're all a little exhausted.  And poor Flanna still has two days of school left before her break!  But it's good to feel connected to our extended family, and to see old friends we haven't seen in years, and to get to see my sister's cute new home taking shape.  So I think it was worth the effort.

For  most people, feeling connected to our friends and family tends to bring us great happiness.   And what builds connection more than taking time to be together?  So, if you're invited out, or you're thinking of organizing a get-together, but you're not sure that it's worth all the trouble--remember that happiness does not come from sitting at home alone taking it easy, and say, "yes!" whenever possible.




Who can you not wait to see this holiday season?  For me, I am happily anticipating seeing my west-coast BFF Kelley, who is on her way toward our home town now, I believe!  Yay!

Force Yourself to Take a Group Photo

You'll be glad you did.

Nothing's more fun than looking back on geeky group photos of yourself and all your friends/family from different eras.  For instance, I remember a wonderful group photo of me and my closest girlfriends from middle school all sitting around in windbreaker outfits.  (What were those outfits called?)  I think we all have braces and are growing our bangs out at the same time.  Seriously, I love that group photo.  (One day, I'll take the time to scan it in, so you can see it in all its preteen glory.)

Annnyway.  Here are some cute group photos I forced my family to take over the holiday.  They'll thank me one day.  I'm sure of it.

What group photo do you just love of your friends or family?

Ohh, by the way, I heard this line today on "Eloise's Christmas," (a cute kids' special).  It said, "Traditions are gifts you give yourself." (or something like that.)  I totally agree!

Experience Nature

This weekend, my niece spent the night with us on Friday, and on Saturday, I took the girls to a park near Flannery's school.  They played for hours there--swinging, climbing trees, kicking a ball around, finding bugs.   Then we came back to the house and did some projects on the back deck to get ready for Flannery's birthday.  It was so nice to spend big chunks of time outside--it really calmed my frayed nerves.

On another note, Flannery's birthday present has arrived--her very own swing-set!  It's in a box in our back yard as we speak.  Fingers crossed we can figure out how to put it together!  I'll post pics once it's up!


How did you experience nature this weekend?

Go the Extra Mile for Family Time

Since we moved closer to family, I often feel like we didn't move close enough.  It takes us about 45 minutes to get to my in-laws' or my sister's house, and although I'm not complaining about that commute compared to the 8 hour drive it used to take before we moved, I do still sometimes get tired of all the driving we have to do to get to hang out with our family.

But even though it can sometimes feel like a hassle, it is always, ALWAYS worth it in the end.

I hope that one day, Flannery and her cousins will look back on fun times they spent together as kids and feel a part of something big and strong and loving.  More than just family--a family that really appreciates one another and realizes the strong effect we have on one another's lives.  On both sides, I tell you, we are so lucky to have just that.

monarch butterfly & little red riding hood are ready!

These were the scariest faces they could muster.  :)

hay ride fun

Stair-step cousins all dressed up for the fall festival

If you could, how close would you choose to live to all your family?  I think men and women might differ on this one.  I think I'd be happiest living 15 to 30 minutes away from family.  Mostly because I'd love to have a weekly dinner all together with the extended family.  And because any commute over 30 minutes long overwhelms me.  

Live Your Priorities: Push away the Fog of a Hectic Life

This week has been a good one so far.  I've started volunteering at Flannery's school on Monday mornings, and it's amazing how much happiness that one change has brought me.   It's such a blessing to see her in action in her classroom, and to get to meet all of her sweet little classmates, and to see how affectionate they are with one another.  When Flannery walks into her classroom in the mornings, there are two little girls who run to her and give her hugs, calling out, "Flannery!!"  It's just adorable.

And now, when I drop her off or come by for lunch at her school, the kids all say, "Hi Flannery's mom!"  It's nice to get to know them, and to get a glimpse into the individual life and community she's creating at school.

I've also tried to focus on being more patient with my family and making time to chat together about more than just the necessities.   It's so easy to get busy and just kind of bark information to one another in the rush of the day.  Does your life get that crazy, too?  Sometimes I think that we are so polite to our coworkers and friends, but then we forget our manners when it comes to our family--the very people we care most about!  I would never speak to a client the way I rush my daughter around in the mornings.  "Get in the car!  Close the door!"  And I should give her the most consideration, as she's my darling girl!   I'm trying to work on that.

Yesterday, we had a special "ice cream date" after I picked her up from school, and I made a point to just soak in the moment and really listen to her as she picked out only the chocolate chip cookie dough from her mini blizzard. :)  I also have been trying to ask more about the specifics of my hubby's day, because I just feel more connected and calm, and it's easier to be patient and easy-going, when I know what was hard and what was easy for him that day at work.  Sometimes I feel like the "fog" of hectic life descends on us as a family, and I have to really step back and take strong action to get us back to living our priorities.

I have a long way to go, I know, but a few little steps toward living my priorities make for a pretty big happiness boost for me.  Which keeps me going toward the next set of baby steps.  




Do you feel sometimes that the fog of a hectic life surrounds you?  What baby steps can you take this week toward living your priorities?  

5 Ways to Enjoy a Lazy Sunday

1.  Sleep late, but not so late that you miss church.  You'll be happy you went.

2.  Braid your daughter's hair when she asks you to.  She'll play with those braids all day, smiling to herself.  

3.  Walk to the pond down the street to feed the ducks.  You'll have to give your daughter a piggy-back ride home, but you'll both feel refreshed.  Plus, you'll see that cool house down the street where they already decorated for Halloween, and you would've missed that from inside a car.

4.  Snuggle up on the couch with your dogs and your daughter to watch "Good Luck Charlie" on the Disney Channel.  You could've hung those curtains you've been meaning to get to, or tried to get your closet in order.  But that snuggly time will mean a lot to the kiddo, and she could care less about your curtains.

5.  Eat dinner at the table as a family.   With something fresh and green thrown in.  It feels good to be around a table together, and even better to eat a homemade meal.  

How did you enjoy your lazy Sunday?