Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

Say Yes

Today was quite the social day for our family! 

I got to see two dear friends for a quick lunch out--my friend Sara (who lives here in GA) and my friend Laura (who is visiting from Oregon).  It was so nice to catch up with them and to get to hear some of the ins and outs of their daily lives.  You may remember meeting Malcolm on the bloggablog a while back when he was born, and now he is 4 months old already!  He's such a content little guy--he just smiled and babbled to himself while we lunched! And sweet Laura was so kind to make time to see us--it's a whirlwind to try to see all your family and friends in one visit!

Laura with baby Malcolm

Also today, Flannery and I went to our first neighborhood playgroup for our road.  It was just lovely--kids of all ages running around in a neighbor's back yard while parents of all backgrounds chatted and laughed.  What a charming group of folks!  I'm so happy to have gotten to meet them, and glad that I made myself push through being tired at the end of a long work day.  I had to tell myself to be bold and, "Say Yes" and join in, even though we didn't yet really know any of the families yet and it had been a long day already.  But I'm glad I did.  Turns out the parent were very kind and laid back, and they were planning Halloween festivities, which you may know is my very favorite holiday of the year, so yay!  Anyway, Flanna very quickly warmed up to some of the little girls and can't wait to play with them again.  She is such a friendly and outgoing little thing! 



What did you "Say Yes" to lately that brought you happiness?

Do What Spring Does

I've had this stirring in my heart for some time now, to be brave enough to write about marriage here on this blog-a-blog.  I've been trying to ignore the stirring, because I think marriage relationships are so individual and personal, and really, I'm no expert on what might work for anyone else.  But the more I talk to my friends and coworkers about their relationships with their partners, the more my heart keeps pushing me to just start the conversation here.  So, here goes nothing.  :)  
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I drove by a cherry tree on Winonna Drive today that was just beginning to bloom.  And it reminded me of my all time favorite, most inspiring quote ever about marriage:

"I want to do with you, what Spring does with the cherry trees."  -- Deb Talan

This is a line from a song written by one of my all time favorite artists.  And it is the single most meaningful phrase that I've ever applied to my marriage relationship.  The idea that, just as Spring renews the cherry trees, just as Spring brings forth new growth on the spindly ends of gray branches, just as Spring causes there to be new life where there was just dormant quiet all winter--so, too, can we bring about renewal in our relationships with our spouses.

Also, I love the idea that Spring renews cherry trees every year.  It does not skip a year.  There is no year when Spring just decides to stop working at it and let the cherry tree lie barren all summer.  So, too, are we to be vigilant about working to renew our marriage relationships regularly, consistently.

I think that too often, we have unrealistic expectations of our relationships.  We expect them to keep running smoothly and beautifully no matter how much we neglect them. We expect our partners to love us unconditionally no matter how little time, attention, care, or concern we show them.  We expect our marriage to take a back seat to our careers, our children, our friends, our hobbies, our extended families.

And then, too, the moment it becomes clear that this is impossible--that our marriage cannot flourish without at least some attention and focus--we begin to feel anxious or guilty.  To question the quality of the marriage.  To wonder why our marriage needs help.  To look with jealousy at friends with happy marriages, who never seem to have to work at it.

But that's a lie we should not entertain.  Anyone with a good, solid marriage works at it.

Anyone with a good, solid marriage realizes that we must renew our relationship with our spouse regularly.  That we must dig our heels in and talk about important things and be honest and open and work hard to make a connection.  That we must be like Spring, not letting conflict or disconnection keep the cherry tree dormant and gray--but instead allowing a good cleansing rain, a warm sun, a hard conversation, a weekend away, to work quiet miracles.

I remember once, I read a book about the "Four Seasons of Marriage" (by the author of the "Five Love Languages" book), hoping that it would clarify this vision I had of how marriage relationships cycle from intense romance, to affectionate love, to respect and admiration, and on back to intense romance, etc.  But instead, the book actually scared the bejezus out of me!  It described the four seasons of marriage as:

Spring:  renewing, hopeful in love, excited about the future.
Summer:  happy and in love, connected, contented.
Fall:  becoming disconnected, disillusioned.
Winter:  completely out of touch, disconnected, living two separate lives in the same house.

The author actually talked about the grave danger your marriage was in if you were in the fall or winter phase of marriage, and how most marriages in the winter season of marriage would end in divorce if nothing drastic and significant changed.  Scary stuff, huh?  (By the way, the author has an online quiz you can take to get a general idea of which season your marriage is in if you're interested. But don't freak out if you're in fall or winter!  Just keep reading!)

But I can see how this is true.  If most of us think that marriages should just work well without a lot of focus and attention paid to them, then of course we are not going to get back to the Spring and Summer seasons of the cycle.  It turns out that not many of us realized when we got married that when hard times come, actual action has to be taken to renew the connection, or Spring won't come.

So, if I want to do with my husband what Spring does to the cherry trees?  If I want to renew our relationship, grow our connection, change with him, get better at this marriage thing?  I've got to take action.  I've got to be Spring.  I've got to work hard to make the connection.  Seek out the rain showers; call on the sun to shine on us.  And not just once, but every year.  Consistently.

What's funny, is that it sounds so serious and intense here.  But it's the best responsibility I've ever taken on, actually.  Because doing what Spring does--taking time to renew my connection with my husband--is the most rewarding and fun way I spend my time these days.  And giving myself permission to make date nights and loving actions and deep conversations a priority, really just lets me have fun with my true love, my best friend, again.

And when you're having fun?  That's when you know that Spring has come.




What about you?   How do you work to renew your connection with your partner?   Do you have a regular system in place to help yourself focus intentionally on your relationship?


(Also, I'd love your input on whether this was interesting to you, or whether you'd rather not have me blather on about my ideas about marriage here.  Please comment if you have a second and let me know what you think!)

Create a Secret Code

I remember in elementary school, my friends and I often formed our own "clubs."  Babysitters' club, jump rope club, dance club, singers' club, pig latin club, and yes, even a "witch club" (which wasn't a "mean girls" kind of thing--we actually pretended we had magical powers.  What can I say?  It was fourth grade.)  And one of the best things I remember about being in these little clubs was having a secret handshake or secret code words that only we understood.  It took our friendship up a notch to share these little "inside jokes." 

For instance, one of the clubs I had with a few girlfriends that rode my bus, was a pig latin club.  We would speak only pig latin during our meetings on the bus, and whenever we saw one another in the hallway, lunchroom, or library at our elementary school, we would have to secretly touch our noses (to reference the pig nose idea) without anyone else noticing.  It was a silly thing, but it was great fun to make that connection with one another as our classes' lines passed one another silently in the hallway. 

I was thinking about those little things today while I was home yet again with my sick kiddo, because I had recently read this neat blog post.  And it inspired me to create this sort of "inside joke" thing with Flannery more often. 

So, because she was sick and coughing a lot, I decided that we should come up with codes or signals for what she wanted when she wasn't feeling like talking.  Together, we decided that if she touched her throat, that meant she wanted a cough drop, and if she put her whole hand over her throat, that meant she wanted a drink.  She got a big kick out of those little signals, and it was a sweet little way to throw in something novel during a very boring day spent at home feeling yucky. 

I also remember that one time when Flanna was 2 or so, and her cousin was 5, we had bananas as a snack on vacation, and I decided that every time they wanted more bananas for snack, they could just make a monkey noise (you know, "ooh-ooh-ooh"), and I'd know what they wanted.  They ate SO many bananas that week!  And it was really a sweet way to promote a lighthearted connection for us. 

It also calls to mind the many notes I used to write back and forth with my best friends in middle and high school.  They were chock full of inside jokes and codes.  "The boy," "Martha, Edna, Mildred, Agnes," "a t-shirt," "the chosen ones," "bridge club," -- these were little phrases that only a few of us understood, and I think it brought us closer together to share them. 

Anyway, I think I'm going to keep working on these little "inside jokes/secret codes" for my own little family.  Maybe something like -- every time I squeeze your hand, that means I'm proud of you.  Or, every time I wink at you, that means I love you.  Or, whenever you need a hug, you can just say "My shoulders are cold," or something like that. Can't you just picture your child grown up as a teenager not wanting to say they need a hug, but being willing to say, "My shoulders are cold."?  Maybe I'm dreaming, but I think it could be sweet. 



What about you?  Do you think secret codes or inside jokes are silly/cheesy, or kind of fun?  

Give Proofs of Love

My husband is a much better gift-giver than I am.  He is always thoughtful and personalizes gifts in a way that I feel very considered and special.  For Valentine's Day, he got me fudge hearts and some roses, but not just your ordinary vase of roses--some cool mini parade rose-bushes that I can plant outside later.  I let them sit outside yesterday to give them some full sun, and our dog Padme was so interested in them.  They must smell like some sort of food, hah.

Annnyway.  My husband's thoughtful gift giving is just one of the ways he so often gives "proofs of love" (I stole that phrase from Gretchen Rubin).   Even though I already know he loves me, it still warms my heart to hear him say so, or to receive a special gift or note from him.

I think about my daughter, too, that she often swells with pride upon getting "proofs" of our love.  Special cuddles while watching Phineas & Ferb together, extra snuggle time before bed, little thumbs ups or winks when she's being brave on the playground, and especially hearing us say what we love about her--these little things leave her smiling as she plays or gets ready for bed.

It's not enough for us to assume that everyone we love knows just how much we love them and what we love best about them.  We need to give proofs of love, give proofs of appreciation, give proofs of thought and consideration to our loved ones.

I'm working on it, and aspiring to one day match my hubby in gift-giving ability.  Or even outdo him!  Ah, now I'm just dreaming.

What about you?  Do you appreciate proofs of love?  Do you find it easy or difficult to give proofs of love to those you care about?  I think some people can feel like giving proofs of love can be little forced or fake-ish, especially when tied to a commercialized holiday--but I don't think the receiver ever feels that way.  What do you think?    

Enter into One Another's Interests

Our hotel room artwork just happened to be
a flyer for one of the bands we saw.  Very neat.

When I'm coaching teachers about how best to build the language skills of children, I usually always start by discussing ways to "enter into the child's interests" or to "follow the child's lead" and "engage the child by focusing on their interests."  When building a relationship with a child (which is crucial before you can start trying to teach them anything!), creating experiences of shared enjoyment is really important.  And even more important is the idea of "entering into the child's interest" (not forcing our ideas of fun on the child).  Entering into a child's interest really builds connection.

The same is true of building or strengthening relationships with adults.  When we enter into our spouse's interests, for example, it builds connection.

It's funny, though, how often in my marriage relationship, I forget that I need to try to create experiences of shared enjoyment with my husband by entering into his interests.  We're lucky enough to have frequent date nights, since we have family close by, but too often, I think I plan date nights around what I find fun--dinner out, a nice long talk, a funny movie.  But really, he loves unusual music, and novel/interesting experiences, and learning new things.

So, I've been trying to enter into his interests more.  This weekend, we took a cooking class together.  We learned something new (how to make rack of lamb!), and it was sooo yummy.  Then, we went to Athens and saw one of his favorite artists,  Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel) play.  It was gorgeous and thought-provoking music, and we had a great time.  A connection-building time.

The cool thing about entering into someone else's interest, is that usually the experience actually makes us happy, too.  Not because we change ourselves or our own interests, but because the experience usually builds connection, and social connection is key to happiness.



Feeling disconnected from someone you care about?  How can you try to enter into their interests this week?

Say Yes Whenever Possible

Gretchen Rubin (of Happiness Project fame) recently said something in a video she made about relationships and happiness that struck a chord with me.  She said (and this is an inexact quote, so please forgive me if I mess it up):  

When you're trying to decide whether to make a commitment, think to yourself, "Will this experience build or strengthen relationships with my friends or family?"  and, if it will, then say "yes" to that commitment. 

We had a rather hectic weekend this weekend--attending a family Christmas party, seeing a movie, helping my sister move, seeing a band, and driving to Athens to see some good friends from out of town.  It was kind of a lot to squeeze into one weekend.  And at times, I wondered if it was crazy to try to make it to all those different commitments. But I kept thinking to myself--these experiences will strengthen our relationships with our friends and family, so they're a good use of our time.

In the end, I admit we're all a little exhausted.  And poor Flanna still has two days of school left before her break!  But it's good to feel connected to our extended family, and to see old friends we haven't seen in years, and to get to see my sister's cute new home taking shape.  So I think it was worth the effort.

For  most people, feeling connected to our friends and family tends to bring us great happiness.   And what builds connection more than taking time to be together?  So, if you're invited out, or you're thinking of organizing a get-together, but you're not sure that it's worth all the trouble--remember that happiness does not come from sitting at home alone taking it easy, and say, "yes!" whenever possible.




Who can you not wait to see this holiday season?  For me, I am happily anticipating seeing my west-coast BFF Kelley, who is on her way toward our home town now, I believe!  Yay!

First Corinthians Name Game

^{1 Corintians 134} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. 

I read a book once that challenged us as married folks to put ourselves to the test, to see if we are being the loving partner we aim to be, by filling in our name for the "love" parts of First Corinthians and seeing if the statements hold true.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and it's very humbling.



For instance:

TJ is patient
TJ is kind
TJ does not envy
TJ does not boast
TJ is not proud
TJ does not dishonor others
TJ is not self-seeking
TJ is not easily angered
TJ keeps no record of wrongs
TJ always protects
TJ always trusts
TJ always hopes
TJ always perseveres

You get my drift.  Super-humbling.

Especially when I'm in a state of self-pity because my crock pot broke, and then my husband accidentally backed my car into our fence to the tune of $2000 in repairs, and then his car keeps overheating and suddenly needs a new head-gasket, also to the tune of $2000 in repairs.  "T.J. always hopes?"  Boy, oh, boy, sometimes that's a tall order.

But I like the challenge of trying to live up to First Corinthians in my marriage relationship.   I think this topic deserves more focus, and I need to think on it a bit.



What about you?  What helps you be the partner you want to be?

A Visit from my BFF!

I have two fantastic best friends--one in California, and one in Georgia. Since we're all grown up and responsible now, our visits with one another are getting fewer and further between! But, one of my best friends, my friend Kelley (from L.A.) was sweet enough to swing by for a visit during her vacation last week, and it was so wonderful to see her!

She helped me pack, helped me fold laundry, helped me take a load of boxes over to the new apartment, and entertained Flanna while I got a little work stuff done. What a good friend, huh?

But I promise I didn't just invite her here for free labor! We also had a little bit of fun! We showed her Duke's campus, took her to our favorite museum, played hopscotch and puzzles, danced quite a lot, had some long chats after Flanna went to sleep, and went out to dinner and for frozen yogurt, too!

We told Flannery the story of how we became friends....how we bonded over the drudgery of braces and brushing our teeth every day after lunch in 8th grade.

A lot has changed since then. Her mom is gone now. Kelley lives across the country now. She writes screenplays, and I'm old and married and a mama now. We're such different people than those insecure, melodramatic, nerdy middle schoolers brushing our teeth together in the school bathroom.

But some things remain from that time. An understanding of one another's character, maybe. Friendship, definitely. And good dental hygiene habits, most assuredly. :)




How did you meet your best friend(s)?

Wuv, Twue Wuv

My 11th wedding anniversary is coming up next week. I really can't believe how fast time has flown since my wonderful wedding day! If I'm ever upset or feeling blue, just reminiscing about our wedding can really bring me happiness. It was just so magical.

I remember that as my parents were waiting to walk me down the aisle, my dad leaned over and said, "You don't seem nervous. Most people are nervous at this part!"

But I wasn't nervous. I really wasn't.

It wasn't that I didn't realize the gravity of what was happening. I knew that this was a sacred event.

But standing there beside my mom and dad, preparing to walk down the aisle of Robi's dad's church, where Robi and I would say vows to love one another forever, I wasn't nervous at all. I knew that I could trust this man with the rest of my life. I knew that if he made vows, then he would follow through on them. That he would do his darnedest to be sure we had a great life together. Walking down the aisle, I was just amazed, thrilled, and so grateful, that I was so lucky as to be the one Robi chose. I wasn't nervous. I was just eager. Just ready to truly be his family. It was so magical to take his hand and stand in front of a church with all that love and support around us.

I get a little lump in my throat here. Ahemmm.

Anyway.

I really hope my daughter gets to experience love like this. I don't take it for granted. I know I'm lucky. Not every girl gets such a great partner who knows how she likes her marshmallows overly-roasted, and who works hard for a living to support the family, and who takes time to play with their daughter each day, and who prays out loud before meals, and who makes her laugh at least 8 times a minute, and who takes care of his own health without any nagging from her, and who is the best trivial pursuit player of all time, and who is just generally the most gentle person ever created.

Did I mention I'm super lucky?



What area of life are you lucky in? Or if you don't believe in luck, in what area of your life have you been truly blessed?

Show Gratitude

When I got married, I got a lot of advice. A ton of advice.

But one piece of advice really stood out. An elderly man in our church whose wife had died a few years before, wrote us in his card, "Say I love you every day, and thank each other every day for the little things." He had been married over 50 years to his wife, so I put a lot of stock in what he suggested. At first, I had to try pretty hard to remember to thank Robi for the little things like taking out the trash, or taking the dogs out. But pretty soon, it became a normal part of our relationship, us both thanking one another regularly for little things. And I could feel how those little expressions of gratitude made me feel closer to Robi.

Today, I stumbled across an article about how gratitude helps maintain romantic relationships. The author wrote that,

"even everyday gratitude serves an important relationship maintenance mechanism in close relationships, acting as a booster shot to the relationship."

Seems that the old man's advice really was good!



What are you thankful for about your partner right now? For me, I'm thankful that my husband let me sleep in a bit this morning! So sweet!

Work Hard to Make a Connection

Sometimes it's hard work to connect with other people.

Seriously, I have a best friend who lives in California (She gave my daughter the humongous pink horse in the photo, which you can see my dog, Padme, loves as well!), and I am absolutely horrible at connecting with her, even though I think about her about every day. I use our different time zones as an excuse, and it really does present a challenge. But, really, how hard is it to e-mail? Apparently, very.

Ugh.

Anyway, today I'm remembering to focus on my Happiness Commandment #5: Work Hard to Make a Connection.

When we care about other people, it's not enough to just care. If we want to be happy in those relationships, we've got to do the hard work of keeping the relationships strong.

So, today I called my mom...which made me immensely happy. And last weekend I called my mother in law, which (surprise surprise!) also made me happier! (I'm soooo lucky to have a super sweet mother in law who has never seemed judgmental or overbearing as long as I've known her!) And I'm sending a package to my sister today...fun!

And in a minute, I'm actually going to send an e-mail to my L.A. friend! (Gasp!)

I know! She's going to be shocked!

And hopefully pleased. Which will make me pretty darn happy.




What cherished relationship have you let slide in the "connection" department? Go forth and reconnect! :)

Woodstove+Book+Dog = One Happy Texter

What? Me, interview you?

About once a week, I've been trying to post interviews with amazing and insightful people who inspire me. Today, I'm focusing on someone who has inspired me (and sometimes bossed me) to do the right thing more times than I can count. Someone who has helped me maintain my faith regardless of my phase in life, and who has never been afraid to make big changes in her life when they needed to be made.

Yep, the bossy part gave it away. It's my sister! (she's the blonde in the pic, by the way!)

Seriously, Jessica is a pretty amazing person, if I do say so myself. She's a single mom by choice who was brave enough to be a rather young foster mom to some adorable kiddos, one of whom she (finally!) officially adopted last year (yay!!!). She's also one of those people who is gifted in the ability to communicate with teenagers, which is not exactly the average layman's forte. She's somehow able to be straightforward without being pushy and to be supportive without being nosy. I have no idea how she does it, but she just gets the turmoil that is growing up. Did I mention she's a high school teacher? Talk about finding your niche.

Oh, and I forgot my favorite thing about her. She's completely cheesy. I mean it. Her cards and notes will just make you cry if you're not careful. (I'm kinda cheesy, too. I think maybe we get that from our mom, who's never been afraid to say what needs to be said even if it embarrassed us (i.e., "I love you SO much, sweetie!" in front of our cool friends on the first day of high school).)

Anyway, here are Jessica's answers to my happiness interview questions:

1. How do you cheer yourself up when you're feeling blue?

it depends on why i'm feeling blue. if it's a work issue, i go find a trusted work friend and we have a vent/hug/scream/cry session. if it's just a general blah day, i'll do something random like take my daughter out for a special treat like hibachi dinner or waffle house or ice cream or a donut. or i put on a favorite CD and we sing along. or once my daughter’s in bed, i'll pick up a "blue day" book and read a page or two that i previously folded down. or buy a new book and read it while sitting by the woodstove with my dog. or email/text/call someone. but you have to pick the right someone for the situation -- certain folks are better with certain situations.

2. What have been the happiest experiences of your life so far?

there are so many that it's hard to pick THE HAPPIEST, but here are some that rank high up there:

*my daughter's adoption day
*my niece’s birth
*so many awesome Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays with family & friends & my favorite ever foster kids -- I LOVE the holidays!
*Disney and beach trips with my family & some awesome friends
*chaperoning the senior trip with amazing friends/coworkers
*Gatlinburg trips with friends/coworkers -- oh the memories!
*camping trips with friends & family
*hanging out with the whole family in WY or the other side of the family in GA
*summer as a counselor at Girl Scout Camp
*hanging out with wonderful church friends at Wednesday night suppers, retreats, doing service projects, etc.
*coffee hour with such amazing friends
*game nights
*girls' night out



3. What is something small that you do regularly that makes you happier?

I am a relationship person. At this point in my life I'm completely happy with myself and by myself, but I enjoy time with friends and family one-on-one or in small groups. It makes me happy to spend face-time (or at least facebook-time) with the people who mean the most to me. I completely LOVE Wednesday nights because I get to sit around with my favorite folks from church and share our life adventures with love and laughter. I used to be very anti-cell phone and anti-facebook. BUT... I now have texting and facebook addictions because I can use them to keep up with my friends and family near and far, thus maintaining our involvement in each other's daily lives in spite of the miles between us.


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Wisdom from my big sis. Who, by the way, is the fastest texter I've EVER met in my life. Seriously, in the time it just took me to write this sentence on my laptop, she probably just texted a whole paragraph to one of her friends. It's a gift. And, apparently, a gift that boosts her happiness! So more power to her!


I love how texting is such a non-instrusive way to stay connected to other people. I especially appreciated texting when my daughter was tiny and napped much of the day. My phone ringing seemed so intrusive and rude, but a text "ping" seemed so gentle and thoughtful. Do you text, and if not, why not?

What Spring Does

"sometimes our love is like a mountain,

solid and steep, grounded in heat and

sometimes we rage like a river

cold and fast then quiet and deep

we ride the storm

'cause when it's through

we have changed

and love is new

i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees

i want to do with you what spring does

i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees

i want to do with you what spring does"

These are some lyrics from one of my favorite bands of all time, the Weepies. Their music puts me in a happy place no matter how hard my day has been. They actually sing a song called the Gladdest Thing, which inspired the name of this blog. Anyway, I love the song above, Cherry Trees, because it describes something I think is so important to finding happiness in relationships: Change.

Relationships change. Constantly.

I was lucky enough to marry my high school sweetheart. You can bet that our relationship has changed over the years! We are two very different people now than we were when we met, or even when we married. But somehow we've been lucky enough to change and grow together rather than apart. What makes us different than all those couples who grow apart over time? I'm not really sure.

One theory I have, though, is that I have never expected for our relationship to stay the same for any length of time. Before we got married, I remember that my mom gave me some advice. It was something like, "There will be times when you're totally passionately in love, and there will be times when you are kind of more like roommates, and there will be times when you are completely annoyed by one another, but don't worry, because it will cycle back through." This cyclical view of relationship development made sense to me, so I never freaked out when one of us was suddenly different, because I knew that we'd figure it out again.

Another theory I have is that I am the luckiest woman on earth and have a totally amazing husband who is patient with my craziness.

Either way, I do love to watch those cherry trees change each spring.

What do you think about the cyclical development of relationships? Have you experienced this phenomenon in other relationships...with friends, colleagues, children, parents?