Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

Do What Spring Does

I've had this stirring in my heart for some time now, to be brave enough to write about marriage here on this blog-a-blog.  I've been trying to ignore the stirring, because I think marriage relationships are so individual and personal, and really, I'm no expert on what might work for anyone else.  But the more I talk to my friends and coworkers about their relationships with their partners, the more my heart keeps pushing me to just start the conversation here.  So, here goes nothing.  :)  
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I drove by a cherry tree on Winonna Drive today that was just beginning to bloom.  And it reminded me of my all time favorite, most inspiring quote ever about marriage:

"I want to do with you, what Spring does with the cherry trees."  -- Deb Talan

This is a line from a song written by one of my all time favorite artists.  And it is the single most meaningful phrase that I've ever applied to my marriage relationship.  The idea that, just as Spring renews the cherry trees, just as Spring brings forth new growth on the spindly ends of gray branches, just as Spring causes there to be new life where there was just dormant quiet all winter--so, too, can we bring about renewal in our relationships with our spouses.

Also, I love the idea that Spring renews cherry trees every year.  It does not skip a year.  There is no year when Spring just decides to stop working at it and let the cherry tree lie barren all summer.  So, too, are we to be vigilant about working to renew our marriage relationships regularly, consistently.

I think that too often, we have unrealistic expectations of our relationships.  We expect them to keep running smoothly and beautifully no matter how much we neglect them. We expect our partners to love us unconditionally no matter how little time, attention, care, or concern we show them.  We expect our marriage to take a back seat to our careers, our children, our friends, our hobbies, our extended families.

And then, too, the moment it becomes clear that this is impossible--that our marriage cannot flourish without at least some attention and focus--we begin to feel anxious or guilty.  To question the quality of the marriage.  To wonder why our marriage needs help.  To look with jealousy at friends with happy marriages, who never seem to have to work at it.

But that's a lie we should not entertain.  Anyone with a good, solid marriage works at it.

Anyone with a good, solid marriage realizes that we must renew our relationship with our spouse regularly.  That we must dig our heels in and talk about important things and be honest and open and work hard to make a connection.  That we must be like Spring, not letting conflict or disconnection keep the cherry tree dormant and gray--but instead allowing a good cleansing rain, a warm sun, a hard conversation, a weekend away, to work quiet miracles.

I remember once, I read a book about the "Four Seasons of Marriage" (by the author of the "Five Love Languages" book), hoping that it would clarify this vision I had of how marriage relationships cycle from intense romance, to affectionate love, to respect and admiration, and on back to intense romance, etc.  But instead, the book actually scared the bejezus out of me!  It described the four seasons of marriage as:

Spring:  renewing, hopeful in love, excited about the future.
Summer:  happy and in love, connected, contented.
Fall:  becoming disconnected, disillusioned.
Winter:  completely out of touch, disconnected, living two separate lives in the same house.

The author actually talked about the grave danger your marriage was in if you were in the fall or winter phase of marriage, and how most marriages in the winter season of marriage would end in divorce if nothing drastic and significant changed.  Scary stuff, huh?  (By the way, the author has an online quiz you can take to get a general idea of which season your marriage is in if you're interested. But don't freak out if you're in fall or winter!  Just keep reading!)

But I can see how this is true.  If most of us think that marriages should just work well without a lot of focus and attention paid to them, then of course we are not going to get back to the Spring and Summer seasons of the cycle.  It turns out that not many of us realized when we got married that when hard times come, actual action has to be taken to renew the connection, or Spring won't come.

So, if I want to do with my husband what Spring does to the cherry trees?  If I want to renew our relationship, grow our connection, change with him, get better at this marriage thing?  I've got to take action.  I've got to be Spring.  I've got to work hard to make the connection.  Seek out the rain showers; call on the sun to shine on us.  And not just once, but every year.  Consistently.

What's funny, is that it sounds so serious and intense here.  But it's the best responsibility I've ever taken on, actually.  Because doing what Spring does--taking time to renew my connection with my husband--is the most rewarding and fun way I spend my time these days.  And giving myself permission to make date nights and loving actions and deep conversations a priority, really just lets me have fun with my true love, my best friend, again.

And when you're having fun?  That's when you know that Spring has come.




What about you?   How do you work to renew your connection with your partner?   Do you have a regular system in place to help yourself focus intentionally on your relationship?


(Also, I'd love your input on whether this was interesting to you, or whether you'd rather not have me blather on about my ideas about marriage here.  Please comment if you have a second and let me know what you think!)

Enter into One Another's Interests

Our hotel room artwork just happened to be
a flyer for one of the bands we saw.  Very neat.

When I'm coaching teachers about how best to build the language skills of children, I usually always start by discussing ways to "enter into the child's interests" or to "follow the child's lead" and "engage the child by focusing on their interests."  When building a relationship with a child (which is crucial before you can start trying to teach them anything!), creating experiences of shared enjoyment is really important.  And even more important is the idea of "entering into the child's interest" (not forcing our ideas of fun on the child).  Entering into a child's interest really builds connection.

The same is true of building or strengthening relationships with adults.  When we enter into our spouse's interests, for example, it builds connection.

It's funny, though, how often in my marriage relationship, I forget that I need to try to create experiences of shared enjoyment with my husband by entering into his interests.  We're lucky enough to have frequent date nights, since we have family close by, but too often, I think I plan date nights around what I find fun--dinner out, a nice long talk, a funny movie.  But really, he loves unusual music, and novel/interesting experiences, and learning new things.

So, I've been trying to enter into his interests more.  This weekend, we took a cooking class together.  We learned something new (how to make rack of lamb!), and it was sooo yummy.  Then, we went to Athens and saw one of his favorite artists,  Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel) play.  It was gorgeous and thought-provoking music, and we had a great time.  A connection-building time.

The cool thing about entering into someone else's interest, is that usually the experience actually makes us happy, too.  Not because we change ourselves or our own interests, but because the experience usually builds connection, and social connection is key to happiness.



Feeling disconnected from someone you care about?  How can you try to enter into their interests this week?

Work Hard to Make a Connection

Sometimes it's hard work to connect with other people.

Seriously, I have a best friend who lives in California (She gave my daughter the humongous pink horse in the photo, which you can see my dog, Padme, loves as well!), and I am absolutely horrible at connecting with her, even though I think about her about every day. I use our different time zones as an excuse, and it really does present a challenge. But, really, how hard is it to e-mail? Apparently, very.

Ugh.

Anyway, today I'm remembering to focus on my Happiness Commandment #5: Work Hard to Make a Connection.

When we care about other people, it's not enough to just care. If we want to be happy in those relationships, we've got to do the hard work of keeping the relationships strong.

So, today I called my mom...which made me immensely happy. And last weekend I called my mother in law, which (surprise surprise!) also made me happier! (I'm soooo lucky to have a super sweet mother in law who has never seemed judgmental or overbearing as long as I've known her!) And I'm sending a package to my sister today...fun!

And in a minute, I'm actually going to send an e-mail to my L.A. friend! (Gasp!)

I know! She's going to be shocked!

And hopefully pleased. Which will make me pretty darn happy.




What cherished relationship have you let slide in the "connection" department? Go forth and reconnect! :)