Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

Do What Spring Does

I've had this stirring in my heart for some time now, to be brave enough to write about marriage here on this blog-a-blog.  I've been trying to ignore the stirring, because I think marriage relationships are so individual and personal, and really, I'm no expert on what might work for anyone else.  But the more I talk to my friends and coworkers about their relationships with their partners, the more my heart keeps pushing me to just start the conversation here.  So, here goes nothing.  :)  
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I drove by a cherry tree on Winonna Drive today that was just beginning to bloom.  And it reminded me of my all time favorite, most inspiring quote ever about marriage:

"I want to do with you, what Spring does with the cherry trees."  -- Deb Talan

This is a line from a song written by one of my all time favorite artists.  And it is the single most meaningful phrase that I've ever applied to my marriage relationship.  The idea that, just as Spring renews the cherry trees, just as Spring brings forth new growth on the spindly ends of gray branches, just as Spring causes there to be new life where there was just dormant quiet all winter--so, too, can we bring about renewal in our relationships with our spouses.

Also, I love the idea that Spring renews cherry trees every year.  It does not skip a year.  There is no year when Spring just decides to stop working at it and let the cherry tree lie barren all summer.  So, too, are we to be vigilant about working to renew our marriage relationships regularly, consistently.

I think that too often, we have unrealistic expectations of our relationships.  We expect them to keep running smoothly and beautifully no matter how much we neglect them. We expect our partners to love us unconditionally no matter how little time, attention, care, or concern we show them.  We expect our marriage to take a back seat to our careers, our children, our friends, our hobbies, our extended families.

And then, too, the moment it becomes clear that this is impossible--that our marriage cannot flourish without at least some attention and focus--we begin to feel anxious or guilty.  To question the quality of the marriage.  To wonder why our marriage needs help.  To look with jealousy at friends with happy marriages, who never seem to have to work at it.

But that's a lie we should not entertain.  Anyone with a good, solid marriage works at it.

Anyone with a good, solid marriage realizes that we must renew our relationship with our spouse regularly.  That we must dig our heels in and talk about important things and be honest and open and work hard to make a connection.  That we must be like Spring, not letting conflict or disconnection keep the cherry tree dormant and gray--but instead allowing a good cleansing rain, a warm sun, a hard conversation, a weekend away, to work quiet miracles.

I remember once, I read a book about the "Four Seasons of Marriage" (by the author of the "Five Love Languages" book), hoping that it would clarify this vision I had of how marriage relationships cycle from intense romance, to affectionate love, to respect and admiration, and on back to intense romance, etc.  But instead, the book actually scared the bejezus out of me!  It described the four seasons of marriage as:

Spring:  renewing, hopeful in love, excited about the future.
Summer:  happy and in love, connected, contented.
Fall:  becoming disconnected, disillusioned.
Winter:  completely out of touch, disconnected, living two separate lives in the same house.

The author actually talked about the grave danger your marriage was in if you were in the fall or winter phase of marriage, and how most marriages in the winter season of marriage would end in divorce if nothing drastic and significant changed.  Scary stuff, huh?  (By the way, the author has an online quiz you can take to get a general idea of which season your marriage is in if you're interested. But don't freak out if you're in fall or winter!  Just keep reading!)

But I can see how this is true.  If most of us think that marriages should just work well without a lot of focus and attention paid to them, then of course we are not going to get back to the Spring and Summer seasons of the cycle.  It turns out that not many of us realized when we got married that when hard times come, actual action has to be taken to renew the connection, or Spring won't come.

So, if I want to do with my husband what Spring does to the cherry trees?  If I want to renew our relationship, grow our connection, change with him, get better at this marriage thing?  I've got to take action.  I've got to be Spring.  I've got to work hard to make the connection.  Seek out the rain showers; call on the sun to shine on us.  And not just once, but every year.  Consistently.

What's funny, is that it sounds so serious and intense here.  But it's the best responsibility I've ever taken on, actually.  Because doing what Spring does--taking time to renew my connection with my husband--is the most rewarding and fun way I spend my time these days.  And giving myself permission to make date nights and loving actions and deep conversations a priority, really just lets me have fun with my true love, my best friend, again.

And when you're having fun?  That's when you know that Spring has come.




What about you?   How do you work to renew your connection with your partner?   Do you have a regular system in place to help yourself focus intentionally on your relationship?


(Also, I'd love your input on whether this was interesting to you, or whether you'd rather not have me blather on about my ideas about marriage here.  Please comment if you have a second and let me know what you think!)

Give Proofs of Love

My husband is a much better gift-giver than I am.  He is always thoughtful and personalizes gifts in a way that I feel very considered and special.  For Valentine's Day, he got me fudge hearts and some roses, but not just your ordinary vase of roses--some cool mini parade rose-bushes that I can plant outside later.  I let them sit outside yesterday to give them some full sun, and our dog Padme was so interested in them.  They must smell like some sort of food, hah.

Annnyway.  My husband's thoughtful gift giving is just one of the ways he so often gives "proofs of love" (I stole that phrase from Gretchen Rubin).   Even though I already know he loves me, it still warms my heart to hear him say so, or to receive a special gift or note from him.

I think about my daughter, too, that she often swells with pride upon getting "proofs" of our love.  Special cuddles while watching Phineas & Ferb together, extra snuggle time before bed, little thumbs ups or winks when she's being brave on the playground, and especially hearing us say what we love about her--these little things leave her smiling as she plays or gets ready for bed.

It's not enough for us to assume that everyone we love knows just how much we love them and what we love best about them.  We need to give proofs of love, give proofs of appreciation, give proofs of thought and consideration to our loved ones.

I'm working on it, and aspiring to one day match my hubby in gift-giving ability.  Or even outdo him!  Ah, now I'm just dreaming.

What about you?  Do you appreciate proofs of love?  Do you find it easy or difficult to give proofs of love to those you care about?  I think some people can feel like giving proofs of love can be little forced or fake-ish, especially when tied to a commercialized holiday--but I don't think the receiver ever feels that way.  What do you think?    

Share and Create Family Traditions

My husband and I have created a tradition that we now cannot live without.   I guess it's really more of a "couple tradition" than a family tradition, but anyway.   Each year, our Christmas present to one another is a New Year's Eve trip to Athens.  We get a fancy hotel room, leave Flanna with a sitter (this year she spend the night with a friend, even better!), eat a nice dinner out, and ring in the new year downtown with friends.

It's sublime.  And I feel refreshed even just talking about it.

It's so nice to have time together just as a couple, and to get to feel young and fun out on the town now and then!  I think little breaks from the routine of the day-to-day are essential for a good marriage, and I try to plan little excursions and date nights as often as I can.

Here are some of our cute friends who met up with us.  And, by the way, in my defense, there is no graceful way to hold a NYE party favor for a photo.  It always looks silly, no matter what.

What "couple traditions" do you and your partner enjoy?  Some of my facebook friends have a "Wednesday night funny movie night" each week, which I think sounds so great.  

First Corinthians Name Game

^{1 Corintians 134} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. 

I read a book once that challenged us as married folks to put ourselves to the test, to see if we are being the loving partner we aim to be, by filling in our name for the "love" parts of First Corinthians and seeing if the statements hold true.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and it's very humbling.



For instance:

TJ is patient
TJ is kind
TJ does not envy
TJ does not boast
TJ is not proud
TJ does not dishonor others
TJ is not self-seeking
TJ is not easily angered
TJ keeps no record of wrongs
TJ always protects
TJ always trusts
TJ always hopes
TJ always perseveres

You get my drift.  Super-humbling.

Especially when I'm in a state of self-pity because my crock pot broke, and then my husband accidentally backed my car into our fence to the tune of $2000 in repairs, and then his car keeps overheating and suddenly needs a new head-gasket, also to the tune of $2000 in repairs.  "T.J. always hopes?"  Boy, oh, boy, sometimes that's a tall order.

But I like the challenge of trying to live up to First Corinthians in my marriage relationship.   I think this topic deserves more focus, and I need to think on it a bit.



What about you?  What helps you be the partner you want to be?

20ish Days of Gratitude

Today, I'm thankful for my husband.

Who makes me laugh.  Who is a true partner in life.  Who dreams big dreams and then makes them happen.  Who finds new music and makes me listen to it.  (OK, I admit I usually enjoy it.)  Who gives me neck massages and listens to me gripe when I'm stressed out.  Who teaches the dogs cool tricks.  Who teaches Flanna to teach the dogs cool tricks.   Who makes excellent tofu.  Who walks or bikes everywhere and inspires me to be healthier.  Who just gets cuter with age (no fair!).  Who has known me from nerdy teenage years to nerdier college years to even higher levels of nerd-dom in grad school and SLP life, and still manages to think I'm pretty.  Who prays before each meal.  Who takes care of me when I am sick.  Who listens to the Indigo Girls and Joni Mitchell without complaint on long car trips.  Who kisses me every time he says good-bye.  Who balances out my anxious nerves with his calm demeanor.  Who is a gentle and supportive father to our little girl.

Seriously, I have a lot to be thankful for.



Who has known you and loved you through many stages of life? 

Marriage Tips from an Autism Guru

  Pair me with this view a few times,
and I'm suddenly going to be irresistable. 

This morning, I attended a morning training on verbal behavior treatment methods for kiddos with autism.  One of the things that really resonated with me from the training was that, for kids who aren't motivated by many things, we've got to create positive experiences they'll enjoy so that they'll have the motivation to ask for the experience again.  Sometimes, we can do that just by pairing a new experience with something they already love.

So, for instance, if a child is obsessed with his Phineas and Ferb action figures, you could read a new book to him while he's playing with his beloved Phineas and Ferb set, and then, after enough pairings of the book and Phineas and Ferb, the child will become conditioned to also enjoy and be motivated to ask for the book.  This is called creating a conditioned reinforcer.

The funny thing is, that the reason this stuck with me is that the Autism Guru who was speaking, jokingly said that it would do many marriages some good if the husband and wife paired themselves with enjoyable and fun activities, so they would associate one another not just with the drudgery that is cooking and cleaning and raising children and working, but also with some fun stuff.

Maybe that's why regular "date nights" are so important for us old married folks.  We're just pairing ourselves with reinforcing activities like eating yummy food and watching funny movies, which makes us enjoy our spouses more as a by-product.

The thing is, this makes sense, but it sounds kind of soulless to me, to break shared experiences down that way.  I'd rather think of date nights as times when husbands and wives enter into one another's interests and share special joint attention, which causes bonding.   I'd like to think we're more complex than just reinforcers and punishments at work.

But, just in case, I think I'm going to take my hubby out for dinner and a movie tomorrow.



What's your favorite date night movie out right now?

Be a Super Sleuth

Wuv, twue wuv.

When I first got married, some wonderful person (I can't remember who!?) gave me the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.   It sounded hokey, but because many people recommended it to me, I read it.  It was a great book, very applicable to real life, with tons of valuable insights into human nature.   I figured out my "love language" (or what makes me feel loved), and Robi's, too, and I remember thinking that we naturally made one another feel loved, without having to work at it very much.  Yay for us!  (I know, we probably made people gag as sappy newlyweds!)

Fast forward 12 years.  I was reading another book by Gary Chapman recently, and it referenced the various love languages.  And I realized that I had forgotten my love language!  And my husband's!  Yikes!   (At least we're not making people gag anymore, but still!)

Luckily, at the time I realized this, I was staying with my in-laws, who happen to own a copy of the "Five Love Languages."  So, I re-read it.  And was re-inspired by the book.  Now I'm trying to figure out our love languages once again, because I wonder if they can change over time.

I was also inspired to figure out my daughter's love language.  What makes her feel most loved?   Is it physical touch?  (She does ask to be held a lot.)  Is it words of affirmation?  (She seems to enjoy her "3 Things" each night.)  Is it quality time or conversation?  (She does ask for my complete attention pretty often.)  I hate to admit it, but I've been at a loss in figuring out her primary love language.  My hubby, I can force him to take a Love Language quiz, or we can have a chat about it.  But I've sort of been being a super-sleuth to try to figure out Flanna's.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a brief summary of the whole "Love Language" idea:

Basically, every person feels loved in different ways.  Some people feel loved when we hug them.  Some feel loved when they are given our full attention.  Some feel loved when we do things to help them out.  The hard thing is that we may be speaking 4 of the 5 love languages to someone we love, but if we are not speaking their primary love language, then they may not be feeling fully loved by us.  So, if your partner's primary love language is physical touch, and you're ironing his shirts and telling him how great he is, and staring into his eyes and having deep conversations, but you're not giving him a kiss or hug or holding his hand now and then throughout the day, then he may not be feeling your love.  Crazy, right?

Anyway, so, this week, I'm on a secret mission to figure out my daughter's love language.  Do you know yours, your partner's, and your parents'/siblings'/children's love languages?  Here are the possible 5 if you're interested:

1.  Words of affirmation -  receiving compliments, hearing "I love you, because...."
2.  Quality time (and conversation) - receiving complete undivided attention with eye contact and sincere interest
3.  Receiving gifts - receiving little tokens of love, being remembered on birthdays or anniversaries
4.  Acts of service - being helped out with chores or assignments, having a partner in projects
5.  Physical touch - having people just be present and accessible, as well as receiving physical affection

I think I'm going to ask Flanna outright what makes her feel loved.  I think she'll understand that.  I'll also be monitoring her response to different actions on my part in each love language category.  This should be fun!


Want to figure out your love language?  If so, there's a quiz here, as well as some interesting info and books that are on my wish list.  I'll take the quiz and will share my results tomorrow.  I think mine will probably be "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time," but that's just a guess.  

Set some Goals

Why yes, I do have 8 minutes to exercise.
8 minutes, exactly. 

I've been slow to set my New Year's Resolutions in stone this year.  I've had about 8 resolutions kicking around in my head, and I've been trying to whittle it down to the most important 3, because I've decided that I can only reasonably remember 3 resolutions, and I won't stick to resolutions I can't even remember.

I keep coming back to these 3 resolutions--resolutions that I blurted out in haste when one of my friends asked me what my resolutions would be on New Year's Eve.  But once I said them, they really did seem to make sense as my biggest priorities for this year.

I'm sure you're dying of anticipation by now.

So, here they are:

My 2011 Happiness Resolutions:
1.  Exercise.
2.  Teach my daughter about God.
3.  Be a better wife to my husband.

Those are my overall goals, and here are my short-term goals to get there (the therapist in me just has to make these goals more specific, although I like the short ones above b/c they're easy to remember).

1.  Exercise - Do my "8 minutes in the morning" moves, or yoga or pilates DVDs every day, if not in the morning, then perhaps with Flanna before bed.
2.  Teach my daughter about God - I need ideas here!   I'm thinking I'd like for her to learn a song and do a craft every week based on some sort of liturgical calendar theme.  Surely someone knows of a good place for ideas in this area?
3.  Be a better wife - I think my marriage is remarkably fun and stable, but much of that is because my husband is such a lighthearted, responsible, and understanding guy.  This year, I want to try to reduce the need for understanding:  to reduce the clutter, to keep up with laundry, to have a regular date night, and to be a source of energy rather than being drained by the time I see him at the end of the day.  (Hmm, maybe being a better wife will involve getting more sleep?)

On that note, I think it's time for bed!



What are your New Year's Resolutions for 2011?

Wuv, Twue Wuv

My 11th wedding anniversary is coming up next week. I really can't believe how fast time has flown since my wonderful wedding day! If I'm ever upset or feeling blue, just reminiscing about our wedding can really bring me happiness. It was just so magical.

I remember that as my parents were waiting to walk me down the aisle, my dad leaned over and said, "You don't seem nervous. Most people are nervous at this part!"

But I wasn't nervous. I really wasn't.

It wasn't that I didn't realize the gravity of what was happening. I knew that this was a sacred event.

But standing there beside my mom and dad, preparing to walk down the aisle of Robi's dad's church, where Robi and I would say vows to love one another forever, I wasn't nervous at all. I knew that I could trust this man with the rest of my life. I knew that if he made vows, then he would follow through on them. That he would do his darnedest to be sure we had a great life together. Walking down the aisle, I was just amazed, thrilled, and so grateful, that I was so lucky as to be the one Robi chose. I wasn't nervous. I was just eager. Just ready to truly be his family. It was so magical to take his hand and stand in front of a church with all that love and support around us.

I get a little lump in my throat here. Ahemmm.

Anyway.

I really hope my daughter gets to experience love like this. I don't take it for granted. I know I'm lucky. Not every girl gets such a great partner who knows how she likes her marshmallows overly-roasted, and who works hard for a living to support the family, and who takes time to play with their daughter each day, and who prays out loud before meals, and who makes her laugh at least 8 times a minute, and who takes care of his own health without any nagging from her, and who is the best trivial pursuit player of all time, and who is just generally the most gentle person ever created.

Did I mention I'm super lucky?



What area of life are you lucky in? Or if you don't believe in luck, in what area of your life have you been truly blessed?

What Spring Does

"sometimes our love is like a mountain,

solid and steep, grounded in heat and

sometimes we rage like a river

cold and fast then quiet and deep

we ride the storm

'cause when it's through

we have changed

and love is new

i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees

i want to do with you what spring does

i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees

i want to do with you what spring does"

These are some lyrics from one of my favorite bands of all time, the Weepies. Their music puts me in a happy place no matter how hard my day has been. They actually sing a song called the Gladdest Thing, which inspired the name of this blog. Anyway, I love the song above, Cherry Trees, because it describes something I think is so important to finding happiness in relationships: Change.

Relationships change. Constantly.

I was lucky enough to marry my high school sweetheart. You can bet that our relationship has changed over the years! We are two very different people now than we were when we met, or even when we married. But somehow we've been lucky enough to change and grow together rather than apart. What makes us different than all those couples who grow apart over time? I'm not really sure.

One theory I have, though, is that I have never expected for our relationship to stay the same for any length of time. Before we got married, I remember that my mom gave me some advice. It was something like, "There will be times when you're totally passionately in love, and there will be times when you are kind of more like roommates, and there will be times when you are completely annoyed by one another, but don't worry, because it will cycle back through." This cyclical view of relationship development made sense to me, so I never freaked out when one of us was suddenly different, because I knew that we'd figure it out again.

Another theory I have is that I am the luckiest woman on earth and have a totally amazing husband who is patient with my craziness.

Either way, I do love to watch those cherry trees change each spring.

What do you think about the cyclical development of relationships? Have you experienced this phenomenon in other relationships...with friends, colleagues, children, parents?