Speak Your Child's Love Language

I've been trying to figure out my daughter Flannery's love language for a few weeks now.  I've talked with her about love, watched how she responds to different things we do, and most of all tried to pay attention to what she complains about (this is a trick Chapman mentions--often, what we complain most about is a cue to our love language).

Here's what I've gathered:

Flannery wants to be listened to, with full attention, to have us look at her and repeat back to her what she just said so she knows we really heard her.

Flannery seeks out hugs and kisses, loves to sit in our laps, wants to cuddle and snuggle, and especially enjoys watching her favorite movies while snuggling with us.

When asked what we do that makes her feel loved, she replied, "When you do things that I like."

She most often complains about us not looking when she wants us to look at something, or about her friend not listening to her.  She complains if she's talking to us and she doesn't get full attention (looking and listening to her).

She enjoys specific praise about what she's done well that day (her 3 things).

She gets very upset if she asks for help and we can't help her with a task.  She also gets very upset if a friend bumps her accidentally or pushes her away while they're playing.

She most often says, "I love you," without being prompted to, when we're cuddling/hugging/snuggling with her.

Sooooo, what do you think her love language is?  Here are the possibilities:
1.  Words of affirmation
2.  Quality time
3.  Receiving gifts
4.  Acts of service
5.  Physical touch

I'm thinking that quality time (eye contact, undivided attention, listening to her, doing things she enjoys) and physical touch (hugs, kisses, being held, pats on the back, holding her hand, being there with her, being easily accessible, etc.) are probably her primary love languages.  And I think that she appreciates words of affirmation and acts of service, but perhaps to a lesser degree.

So, I'm going to try to hug more, cuddle more, give more kisses to her, and to spend more quality time together each day.  Even 5 minutes a day of my complete undivided attention (no cooking/cleaning while we're playing!) is a good start, I think.



Have you tried to pay attention to your loved ones' love languages lately?  What have you deduced from being a super sleuth?

Be a Super Sleuth

Wuv, twue wuv.

When I first got married, some wonderful person (I can't remember who!?) gave me the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.   It sounded hokey, but because many people recommended it to me, I read it.  It was a great book, very applicable to real life, with tons of valuable insights into human nature.   I figured out my "love language" (or what makes me feel loved), and Robi's, too, and I remember thinking that we naturally made one another feel loved, without having to work at it very much.  Yay for us!  (I know, we probably made people gag as sappy newlyweds!)

Fast forward 12 years.  I was reading another book by Gary Chapman recently, and it referenced the various love languages.  And I realized that I had forgotten my love language!  And my husband's!  Yikes!   (At least we're not making people gag anymore, but still!)

Luckily, at the time I realized this, I was staying with my in-laws, who happen to own a copy of the "Five Love Languages."  So, I re-read it.  And was re-inspired by the book.  Now I'm trying to figure out our love languages once again, because I wonder if they can change over time.

I was also inspired to figure out my daughter's love language.  What makes her feel most loved?   Is it physical touch?  (She does ask to be held a lot.)  Is it words of affirmation?  (She seems to enjoy her "3 Things" each night.)  Is it quality time or conversation?  (She does ask for my complete attention pretty often.)  I hate to admit it, but I've been at a loss in figuring out her primary love language.  My hubby, I can force him to take a Love Language quiz, or we can have a chat about it.  But I've sort of been being a super-sleuth to try to figure out Flanna's.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a brief summary of the whole "Love Language" idea:

Basically, every person feels loved in different ways.  Some people feel loved when we hug them.  Some feel loved when they are given our full attention.  Some feel loved when we do things to help them out.  The hard thing is that we may be speaking 4 of the 5 love languages to someone we love, but if we are not speaking their primary love language, then they may not be feeling fully loved by us.  So, if your partner's primary love language is physical touch, and you're ironing his shirts and telling him how great he is, and staring into his eyes and having deep conversations, but you're not giving him a kiss or hug or holding his hand now and then throughout the day, then he may not be feeling your love.  Crazy, right?

Anyway, so, this week, I'm on a secret mission to figure out my daughter's love language.  Do you know yours, your partner's, and your parents'/siblings'/children's love languages?  Here are the possible 5 if you're interested:

1.  Words of affirmation -  receiving compliments, hearing "I love you, because...."
2.  Quality time (and conversation) - receiving complete undivided attention with eye contact and sincere interest
3.  Receiving gifts - receiving little tokens of love, being remembered on birthdays or anniversaries
4.  Acts of service - being helped out with chores or assignments, having a partner in projects
5.  Physical touch - having people just be present and accessible, as well as receiving physical affection

I think I'm going to ask Flanna outright what makes her feel loved.  I think she'll understand that.  I'll also be monitoring her response to different actions on my part in each love language category.  This should be fun!


Want to figure out your love language?  If so, there's a quiz here, as well as some interesting info and books that are on my wish list.  I'll take the quiz and will share my results tomorrow.  I think mine will probably be "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time," but that's just a guess.