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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Embarrassing but True

I’m trying to keep my happiness commandment to “Be Authentic,” and it’s tougher than I had first thought.

Turns out if I’m honest with myself, I’m not half as cool as I’d like to be. The real me is kinda dorky.

For instance,

I love to walk around Target and just look at things, as, like, a pastime. Who, besides me, does that for fun? I wish I loved jogging or kickboxing or knitting. You know, real hobbies. But I like to look at stuff. It reminds me of when I was young and would buy Vogue magazine just to flip through it for hours on end. I like to see the newest stuff people are selling. Strange, I know.

I love poppy country music. (You know, Taylor Swift, the Chicken Fried guy, that one about how “It won’t be like this for long”). I have even been brought to tears by songs like, “You’re Gonna Miss This”. Yes, I’m old now and have gotten sentimental. I even like Christian music. I've tried really hard to be modern and really get into the instrumental math rock bands my hubby listens to, but, alas, I am just not that cool.

I love reading books about disorders and their treatment in my spare time. I’m especially interested in autism, OCD, and attachment disorders. I also like to read child development books and books in Spanish. And sometimes child development books in Spanish. For fun. Sigh.

I don't like to be negative. I'd much rather say something nice about someone than gossip. This has really limited the number of people who want to be my friend, because a lot of people seem to bond over sharing the same contempt for someone or something. You know, those girls who just want to go out and complain about their husbands all night? or those coworkers who just want to hang out and bad-talk the boss all evening? At one job, I actually had a coworker tell me (in a half-joking way) that she just couldn't talk to me because I'd never complain about anything. I hate to be seen as a Pollyanna, but I guess if I'm honest with myself, maybe I am.

When no one else is home, I love to watch Mystery Diagnosis. Soooo interesting! I recently forced Robi to watch it with me, and he pretended to enjoy it, which I really appreciated! I wish I liked normal shows that I could talk about at work the next day, like American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or, um, that big football game that's on right now. But I just don't. And if I try to bring up Mystery Diagnosis with coworkers, it really doesn't boost my street cred.

Yup. Embarrassing.

But true.

But I think it's progress to be figuring out what I'm really like, and what it means to be authentically me. I may not like what the rest of the world likes, but, hey, that's just me.

You know, the nerdy redhead walking aimlessly through Target with a buggy full of Taylor Swift CDs.

When did you realize that you might never actually be cool?

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