Today I'm Debbie Downer

My Happiness Commandment #4 is “Have Fun” or “Be Silly.” It’s really embarrassing, but I’ve found that it’s one of the commandments I really have to remind myself of regularly, because I’m kind of anxious by nature.

If you’re a parent, you know you’re better at parenting when you can be silly. The days you can be lighthearted and joke around are the days you feel like you’ve got this parenting thing in the bag.

And right now, I’m not that lighthearted, silly, joking kind of mama.

Today, I’m that oh-my-gosh-my-corporate-taxes-hafta-get-done-ASAP, geez-I-just-rear-ended-the-car-in-front-of-me, why-does-my-dog-keep-throwing-up?, oops-we’re-out-of-juice, do-I-really-have-no-clean-socks?, why-is-my-upstairs-neighbor-constantly-vacuuming?, I-just-can’t-begin-to-eke-out-a-grin-today kind of mama.

Frankly, the current me is a drag.

Poor Flanna has been very patient with me. While I, on the other hand, have pretty much not been patient at all. Ugh.

But amazingly,

Luckily,

(Thank heavens!)

My husband came home in time to put Flanna to bed today! And right now, he’s in the bathroom with her, getting her into her PJs, and singing the silliest song ever with her. It’s called, “I’m still here in the bathtub,” from a neat kid’s book by Alan Katz.

These are the days my heart aches for my sweet sister who’s a full time working single mom. How the heck does she do it? Here I am with the most amazing partner in all this, working a flexible part-time job, and I still have my fall apart days.

Sigh.

Anyway. I’m off to have a little chocolate. (Happiness boost!) And to get my tax stuff finished up. And hopefully to get some socks washed and dried for tomorrow.

And then (fingers crossed!) maybe tomorrow I can be that super silly mama I like to be again.

Oh, and I think I’ll call my sister and volunteer to borrow her kiddo for a week this summer.


How can you help out a single parent? Financially? Volunteering babysitting time? Offering to dogsit when they go out of town? Let’s all make a point of helping where we can this month!

I'm up on my Soap Box Today

People are always looking for the single magic bullet that will totally change everything. There is no single magic bullet.
--Temple Grandin

I'm not a skeptic by nature, but there are lots of quacks out there when it comes to helping children with autism, so as a responsible speech language pathologist, I try to make myself be skeptical. Because without being skeptical, I won't be very much help for parents who are trying to sort through the good, the bad, and the ugly resources out there for autism treatment, to find what will work for their child.

I agree with Temple Grandin that there's no single thing that is going to be a quick fix. Successful treatment of autism spectrum disorders takes time and usually a ton of effort. And in my experience, it usually takes a combination of resources and strategies, often from a wide range of disciplines (which is one of the reasons I like the SCERTS model for treatment a lot...it lets you borrow a little from lots of different treatment models.). The hard part is that the combination of therapy strategies that work perfectly for one child with autism may not do diddly squat for another kiddo with autism. Even on the same end of the autism spectrum, no two kids are alike, and no two kids respond exactly the same way to any strategy.

But, that being said, here are my all time favorite autism treatment books:

1. Behavioral Intervention for Young Children with Autism by Catherine Maurice - This was the first practical clinical resource I ever bought for autism, and it gives specific activities to try to help children learn in a very structured manner. If you're trying to decide what skills to start teaching during "ABA"ish therapy time with a young child, this book is helpful.

2. Comic Strip Conversations by Carol Gray - I LOVE using comic strip conversations. I've used them with kids as young as 3 and on up into high school, to teach the basic pattern of different conversations. I remember when one of my kindergarteners learned how to participate in the /"Hi, how are you today?" "I'm fine, how are you?" "Fine, thanks"/ conversation. She grinned from ear to ear when she figured out that this little conversation is pretty predictable. I've also used comic strip conversations for greeting others when they walk in the door, for asking to go to the restroom, for asking friends if you can play with them, etc. Life never actually goes just like the comic strip conversations do, but you can imagine how these comics can reduce the anxiety associated with social situations for kiddos with autism. (By the way, I love to use Carol Gray's social stories, as well.)

3. Visual Strategies for Improving Communication by Linda Hodgdon - Visual strategies are the closest thing I can think of to a "magic bullet" for children with autism, in that they really are helpful for pretty much everyone. I really can't think of a single kiddo I've ever worked with who hasn't benefited from visual supports, and I use them like crazy for children who aren't on the spectrum, as well. Visual supports is just a fancy word for things like: picture schedules, sticker charts for good behavior, the green/yellow/red light idea for behavior management, etc. For kids who are not yet verbal, I really love to use picture boards to give them ideas of what to talk about and an easy means to begin communicating (just touch a picture). Here are some cool picture boards that a wonderful SLP (and a former fantastic teacher of mine), Cathy Binger, created to go along with some children's books. There are also some hands-on ideas for how to use visual supports in books created by the TEACCH program.

4. Relationship Development Intervention with Young Children by Gutstein & Sheely - This book is pretty much just a collection of fun games to play with your child with autism in order to help them connect with you and learn. I wish it had videos to go along with it, because it can be a kind of dry read. But the activities are great fun, and for novice SLPs, it's a great place to start in terms of planning for therapy activities. The website Autism Games (and its companion blog) has some great videos of therapists and families playing games like the ones in this book, if you're interested. RDI therapy is fun, so families usually enjoy this approach.

5. Parenting Your Asperger Child by Sohn & Grayson - This book is written especially for parents, and I found it helpful in identifying personality subtypes of children with Asperger's (for instance, Rule oriented children versus logic oriented children versus emotion oriented children) and which strategies seem to work best for each personality type. I also thought this book addressed strategies for reducing anxiety well, and I've even borrowed some of those strategies to use with children who aren't on the spectrum but who are often anxious.


Let me know if there's some resource that you really like that I don't have listed here! I always like to learn new things, you know!


Disclaimer: The contents of this blog are for informational purposes only. The information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You should seek the advice of your health care provider regarding any questions you have. You should not disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this blog. The Gladdest Thing Under the Sun disclaims any liability for the decisions you make based on the information on this blog.


What topic do you get on your soapbox about?

Be Dead to Both the Praises & the Curses of Men

I read a book a few years ago that I think about a lot when I think about trying to live my life well. It's called "Ascending the Heights," by Father John Mack. It's basically a guide to pursuing virtue (and it's the easy version to a more complex book called "The Ladder of Divine Ascent.") Anyway, in this book, there is a story I really like about a Saint named St. Macarius of Egypt (that's him in the picture);

The story goes that there was a young man who wanted to become a monk. He went to Saint Macarius of Egypt and asked him, "St. Macarius, how can I become a monk?"

St. Macarius replied, "You must become dead to the world." But the young man did not understand.

"What do you mean?" he asked St. Macarius.

To which St. Macarius replied, "Go to the cemetery, and stand all day giving praises and honor to those buried there."

So the young man went to the cemetery, and stood all day saying beautiful, honorable things about the people buried there.

The next day, he went back to St. Macarius, and St. Macarius said, "Now you must go to the cemetery, and stand all day cursing and defiling the names of those buried there."

So the young man went back to the cemetery again, and this time shouted curses and insults at the people buried there.

He then went back to St. Macarius. "I don't understand how this will help me become a monk," he asked.

Then St. Macarius asked him, "What did the dead do when you praised and rebuked them?"

The young man replied, "They were silent to both praise and reproach."

Then St. Macarius replied, “If you wish to be saved, be as one dead. Be dead to both the praises and the curses of men. Do not become angry when insulted, nor puffed up when praised.”

The book goes on to explain a gazillion fantastic ways to be more virtuous, with such chapters as "remembering our mortality", "letting the past be the past", & one of my personal favorites, "keeping our mouths shut."

After reading this book, "Be dead to both the praises and curses of men" became one of my all time favorite quotes. I try to remember it when I've had a bad day and feel like people think I'm doing a bad job with something.

But it's also a good reminder that I shouldn't need praise in order to feel good about myself, either. I'm one of those people who just love to be praised. I really do appreciate it when my husband comments on how good the kitchen looks after I've cleaned it! But shouldn't I be able to get that same satisfaction without anyone noticing?

I'm working on it.



Are you driven by praise and criticism at work or at home? Try to notice your response to them this week, and see if you can "be dead" to both. Let me know how it goes!

Be Authentic

I’m in love with these books called, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” and “Liberated Parents, Liberated Children” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch.

Seriously, in love. I’ve given the first book as a baby shower gift to like a thousand women who probably think I’m crazy and wonder why I didn’t buy something from their registry.

But back to my point. Be authentic. (My happiness commandment #7)

Somewhere in the second book, the fantastic authors of these books about how to be a fantastic parent give us permission as parents to have yucky feelings and to let our kids know about them. Did you hear that? Seriously, the authors say that if we are feeling angry and try to act all happy with our children (or spouses, or whoever we are with), then we are doing a disservice to the child because they can read our emotions, and our actions/words will not match our feelings, which will confuse them. The authors say that, rather than put on a happy face when we are about to blow our top, we should say something like, “Mommy is very unhappy right now. I see ink pen all over my brand new tablecloth. I’m steamed!” Without assigning blame, without insulting, without hurting feelings, parents should be authentic in their emotions. Describe the situation, your feelings, and state what you need. This allows children to learn that sometimes they have to consider another person’s feelings, helps them see your point of view, and helps them develop empathy, as well.

I tried the whole being “authentic” thing a few weeks ago. I woke up with a migraine and was feeling very nauseated on that Monday, and to top it all off, my husband was out of town and I had just gotten back from being out of town and had absolutely no groceries in the house. I had to scrounge up some frozen bagels for breakfast and packed my daughter a lunch of canned soup in her thermos with a few raisins I found in the bottom of the pantry. Not my best moment as a parent.

Then, as I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom trying my best not to let myself throw up, my daughter decided that the Dora video and frozen bagel I had given her were not as interesting as I had passed them off to be and ventured into the bathroom asking me to play playdough with her. Normally, I would’ve slapped a smile on my face and done my best to redirect her to some fun activity she could do on her own. But I was feeling hid-e-ous-ly! Plus, I had just read about being authentic, so I said, “Honey, mommy is feeling very sick right now. I have a headache and loud sounds make me want to throw up. I need to be by myself for a few minutes until I feel better.” This was hard for me to say, and I worried that it was going to upset her. (Up until now, I had always been the “smile and make everything okay” mother.) But amazingly, rather than crumple to the floor in despair because I couldn’t open her playdough for her (as I had anticipated would happen), my toddler actually came over, rubbed my back, leaned her head on my head, and said, “Mommy, what can I do to make you feel better?” If I hadn’t already been on the floor, I would’ve fallen down. Then she went back to her frozen bagel and Dora movie until my ibuprofin and bengay substitute for Head-On kicked in. Authentic works, apparently.

I’m also trying to be more authentic in other situations, like, telling my supervisor if I’m feeling overwhelmed, or trying to be more straightforward and less overly-reassuring with clients when they ask about prognosis. It’s a work in progress, because I’m a people-pleaser, but it’s getting easier!

Do you ever feel like you’re being “fake” around certain people? If not, please, tell me your secret to authenticity!!