Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

First Corinthians Name Game

^{1 Corintians 134} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. 

I read a book once that challenged us as married folks to put ourselves to the test, to see if we are being the loving partner we aim to be, by filling in our name for the "love" parts of First Corinthians and seeing if the statements hold true.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and it's very humbling.



For instance:

TJ is patient
TJ is kind
TJ does not envy
TJ does not boast
TJ is not proud
TJ does not dishonor others
TJ is not self-seeking
TJ is not easily angered
TJ keeps no record of wrongs
TJ always protects
TJ always trusts
TJ always hopes
TJ always perseveres

You get my drift.  Super-humbling.

Especially when I'm in a state of self-pity because my crock pot broke, and then my husband accidentally backed my car into our fence to the tune of $2000 in repairs, and then his car keeps overheating and suddenly needs a new head-gasket, also to the tune of $2000 in repairs.  "T.J. always hopes?"  Boy, oh, boy, sometimes that's a tall order.

But I like the challenge of trying to live up to First Corinthians in my marriage relationship.   I think this topic deserves more focus, and I need to think on it a bit.



What about you?  What helps you be the partner you want to be?

Be a Super Sleuth

Wuv, twue wuv.

When I first got married, some wonderful person (I can't remember who!?) gave me the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.   It sounded hokey, but because many people recommended it to me, I read it.  It was a great book, very applicable to real life, with tons of valuable insights into human nature.   I figured out my "love language" (or what makes me feel loved), and Robi's, too, and I remember thinking that we naturally made one another feel loved, without having to work at it very much.  Yay for us!  (I know, we probably made people gag as sappy newlyweds!)

Fast forward 12 years.  I was reading another book by Gary Chapman recently, and it referenced the various love languages.  And I realized that I had forgotten my love language!  And my husband's!  Yikes!   (At least we're not making people gag anymore, but still!)

Luckily, at the time I realized this, I was staying with my in-laws, who happen to own a copy of the "Five Love Languages."  So, I re-read it.  And was re-inspired by the book.  Now I'm trying to figure out our love languages once again, because I wonder if they can change over time.

I was also inspired to figure out my daughter's love language.  What makes her feel most loved?   Is it physical touch?  (She does ask to be held a lot.)  Is it words of affirmation?  (She seems to enjoy her "3 Things" each night.)  Is it quality time or conversation?  (She does ask for my complete attention pretty often.)  I hate to admit it, but I've been at a loss in figuring out her primary love language.  My hubby, I can force him to take a Love Language quiz, or we can have a chat about it.  But I've sort of been being a super-sleuth to try to figure out Flanna's.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a brief summary of the whole "Love Language" idea:

Basically, every person feels loved in different ways.  Some people feel loved when we hug them.  Some feel loved when they are given our full attention.  Some feel loved when we do things to help them out.  The hard thing is that we may be speaking 4 of the 5 love languages to someone we love, but if we are not speaking their primary love language, then they may not be feeling fully loved by us.  So, if your partner's primary love language is physical touch, and you're ironing his shirts and telling him how great he is, and staring into his eyes and having deep conversations, but you're not giving him a kiss or hug or holding his hand now and then throughout the day, then he may not be feeling your love.  Crazy, right?

Anyway, so, this week, I'm on a secret mission to figure out my daughter's love language.  Do you know yours, your partner's, and your parents'/siblings'/children's love languages?  Here are the possible 5 if you're interested:

1.  Words of affirmation -  receiving compliments, hearing "I love you, because...."
2.  Quality time (and conversation) - receiving complete undivided attention with eye contact and sincere interest
3.  Receiving gifts - receiving little tokens of love, being remembered on birthdays or anniversaries
4.  Acts of service - being helped out with chores or assignments, having a partner in projects
5.  Physical touch - having people just be present and accessible, as well as receiving physical affection

I think I'm going to ask Flanna outright what makes her feel loved.  I think she'll understand that.  I'll also be monitoring her response to different actions on my part in each love language category.  This should be fun!


Want to figure out your love language?  If so, there's a quiz here, as well as some interesting info and books that are on my wish list.  I'll take the quiz and will share my results tomorrow.  I think mine will probably be "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time," but that's just a guess.  

Wuv, Twue Wuv

My 11th wedding anniversary is coming up next week. I really can't believe how fast time has flown since my wonderful wedding day! If I'm ever upset or feeling blue, just reminiscing about our wedding can really bring me happiness. It was just so magical.

I remember that as my parents were waiting to walk me down the aisle, my dad leaned over and said, "You don't seem nervous. Most people are nervous at this part!"

But I wasn't nervous. I really wasn't.

It wasn't that I didn't realize the gravity of what was happening. I knew that this was a sacred event.

But standing there beside my mom and dad, preparing to walk down the aisle of Robi's dad's church, where Robi and I would say vows to love one another forever, I wasn't nervous at all. I knew that I could trust this man with the rest of my life. I knew that if he made vows, then he would follow through on them. That he would do his darnedest to be sure we had a great life together. Walking down the aisle, I was just amazed, thrilled, and so grateful, that I was so lucky as to be the one Robi chose. I wasn't nervous. I was just eager. Just ready to truly be his family. It was so magical to take his hand and stand in front of a church with all that love and support around us.

I get a little lump in my throat here. Ahemmm.

Anyway.

I really hope my daughter gets to experience love like this. I don't take it for granted. I know I'm lucky. Not every girl gets such a great partner who knows how she likes her marshmallows overly-roasted, and who works hard for a living to support the family, and who takes time to play with their daughter each day, and who prays out loud before meals, and who makes her laugh at least 8 times a minute, and who takes care of his own health without any nagging from her, and who is the best trivial pursuit player of all time, and who is just generally the most gentle person ever created.

Did I mention I'm super lucky?



What area of life are you lucky in? Or if you don't believe in luck, in what area of your life have you been truly blessed?