Give Empathy Hugs every Morning and Night

spring is almost here!

I love reading about relationships, and I hate that I can't remember which book I read this in, but there is a fantastic practice I've been working into my routine lately, and I just had to share it. 

It's called an "Empathy Hug."  And here's how it works. 

In the morning, right away when you wake up and greet your spouse, hug them for a few moments and really try to think of how they are feeling--what they might be worried about, excited about, focused on, working on, etc.  Really try to cultivate empathy for them in that shared moment.  Then, when you wake your kiddo (if you have kids!), do the same.  Hug your kiddo for a few moments, and really try to get into their mind and think about what they might be thinking about, feeling, worried about, hopeful about, planning for, etc.  For that moment, try to take their perspective.  Then, at the end of the day (before bed, for example), do the same thing. 

It might seem a little strange at first, but I really find that trying to take the perspective of my loved ones as a part of my regular routine really makes me think of them all day with more love and care.  It builds loving connection whether we are together all day or not.  

Also, I find that if I'm trying to think about things from their perspective but I'm not sure what their concerns for that day might be, that spurs me to ask them specifics like, "What's on your plate for today?" or "What are you looking forward to today?"  And then, once I know something specific about their day (for example, my daughter was excited that it was her teacher's birthday today, and she had made her a card.), I find myself wondering during the day how that went, and just generally feeling  more connected to them all throughout the day, just because I know a few little specific things that they were thinking about that morning. 

Also, sometimes if my hubby or daughter have mentioned a concern that morning, and then that evening they seem upset or irritated, I find that I more often have an empathetic response (rather than an angry why-are-you-in-a-bad-mood response!) because I have already tried to think about things from their perspective that day. 

So often, I think that our thoughts shape our responses to our loved ones.  So when I make a habit of cultivating empathy, I think it's easier to feel connection and caring and to respond with patience and understanding.  But when I'm busy and only thinking of the thousands of tasks to check off my to do list in my head, and don't take time to cultivate empathy, I'm much more likely to respond with annoyance or irritation. 

So, what do you think?  Is it worth a try?  Give it a month, and see if you don't feel closer and more connected to your family members just by giving two little "Empathy Hugs" per day.  (And then let me know how it goes by leaving a comment!)




What helps you have greater empathy toward your loved ones?  When do you feel the most "connected" to your family members?

The Days are Long, but the Years are Short

Waking up.

Taking a shower.

Drinking my coffee.

Driving to work.

Checking e-mail.

Eating lunch.

Driving home.

Picking up Flannery from school.

These are the times today that I've thought about my sweet friend Rachel. Rachel, a friend from grad school, who just lost her sweet 4 year old daughter in a car accident on Friday. Rachel, who is pregnant with twins. Rachel, whose car rolled several times with her, her husband, and her daughter inside. Rachel, who had to bury her four year old daughter on Monday.

I just keep imagining what she must be feeling throughout her day. Waking up to the reality that her daughter is gone. Taking a shower, or not taking a shower. Walking through a quiet house. Eating, drinking, or not eating and drinking at all. I feel it all too strongly.

We're about the same age. With the same job. And girls who were about the same age. And wonderful husbands with strong faith. And on Friday, at about the same time they were driving, my husband and I left for a long road trip with our sweet daughter buckled in her car seat in the back of the car, too.

Who knows why things happen. What awful string of events led young people high on drugs to be driving the same roads as Rachel and her family. Why their daughter was lost while they were spared.

But what we do know is that loss is real. Pain is strong. And we can feel it even if it doesn't touch us directly.

The days are long, but the years are short.

Today I am treasuring these precious days and years.





If you pray, please pray for my sweet friend and her family in the next few weeks.

Get Lost in A Good Movie

Every once in a while, I'm trying to post interviews with amazing and insightful people who inspire me! Today's focus is Barbara.

Barbara is a fellow SLP I used to work with, who is also a doting grandmother to her two grandchildren, ages 10 and 5. Because her daughter has a chronic illness, Barbara keeps her grandchildren three days a week, and works closely with her ex-husband and their daughter to raise their grandchildren. All this in addition to her full time job! She has survived significant tragedy and hurt in her life, and yet is consistently positive, friendly, caring, and giving. One of the things I remember most about Barbara is that she always brought little gifts for the cafeteria workers and custodians at the school where we worked every Christmas. Also, (I didn’t work with her then, but other teachers told me this story) when one of the young teachers she worked with became pregnant (and wasn’t married—which was quite the scandal in a small town!), Barbara was the first to congratulate her and begin organizing a baby shower. She just has a huge heart for others. And I think we have a lot to learn from her. Anyway, here are Barbara’s answers to my happiness interview questions:

1. What's something small that you do regularly that makes you happy or cheers you up?

I go to the movies pretty regularly. This really cheers me up, because either I laugh a lot (comedies), or forget my own troubles for a while, and I often walk out inspired. I feel better even when I see a scary movie…because I am glad it doesn’t resemble my life at all. I’ll gladly take my own life back and not switch places.

2. What would you like for your children or grandchildren to know about happiness?

Abraham Lincoln’s quote of saying “people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” is what I believe to be true….which means Attitude and Perception is everything! The same thing can happen to two different people, and one person views it as a catastrophe, and the other views it as an opportunity for God and the Universe to surprise them with a happy outcome, or at the very least to learn a lesson or become stronger, more compassionate from having survived the ordeal. Every time we live through something difficult, we have more depth of character and empathy for others who have gone or will go through something similar.

3. What do you do to keep yourself and your family happy amidst life's struggles?

My grandchildren are the joy of my life! We read books and laugh together (yes, we aren’t afraid to act silly or have good, clean fun) and discuss things (deep things, too). I share inspiring stories about real people who have gone through real problems and managed to come out the other side with their Faith, Hope and Love in their heart intact, strengthened even. These are the things that have gotten me through a life of losing my parents (at 6 and 10), being neglected and abused, having chronic pain/illness, having a close relative murdered, and my daughter’s suicide. And I still believe God is Good, Loving, Forgiving, and that this is a loving, friendly Universe where most people are good and want to do good, and would not willingly hurt other people. We have the philosophy that “people are doing the best they can with what they know and who they are at any given moment.” (So who are we to judge?….live and let live.) These are the things our family concentrates on most, and are our philosophy of life!

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I really love the part about how every experience gives us deeper empathy for others. And perhaps her great empathy is what makes her love movies so much...she can easily get sucked into the story, because she has such empathy even for characters in a movie.



What tough experiences in your life have given you broader empathy for others? For me, having a grandfather who was gay (even if I was young when he died), and learning the tragedy of his angry life trying to be a straight man, has given me a deep empathy for people who are lesbian and gay, since a young age. Do you think the hard experiences are worth it for the empathy you gain?