Enter into One Another's Interests

Our hotel room artwork just happened to be
a flyer for one of the bands we saw.  Very neat.

When I'm coaching teachers about how best to build the language skills of children, I usually always start by discussing ways to "enter into the child's interests" or to "follow the child's lead" and "engage the child by focusing on their interests."  When building a relationship with a child (which is crucial before you can start trying to teach them anything!), creating experiences of shared enjoyment is really important.  And even more important is the idea of "entering into the child's interest" (not forcing our ideas of fun on the child).  Entering into a child's interest really builds connection.

The same is true of building or strengthening relationships with adults.  When we enter into our spouse's interests, for example, it builds connection.

It's funny, though, how often in my marriage relationship, I forget that I need to try to create experiences of shared enjoyment with my husband by entering into his interests.  We're lucky enough to have frequent date nights, since we have family close by, but too often, I think I plan date nights around what I find fun--dinner out, a nice long talk, a funny movie.  But really, he loves unusual music, and novel/interesting experiences, and learning new things.

So, I've been trying to enter into his interests more.  This weekend, we took a cooking class together.  We learned something new (how to make rack of lamb!), and it was sooo yummy.  Then, we went to Athens and saw one of his favorite artists,  Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel) play.  It was gorgeous and thought-provoking music, and we had a great time.  A connection-building time.

The cool thing about entering into someone else's interest, is that usually the experience actually makes us happy, too.  Not because we change ourselves or our own interests, but because the experience usually builds connection, and social connection is key to happiness.



Feeling disconnected from someone you care about?  How can you try to enter into their interests this week?

Joint Attention and my Favorite Band

Tonight, my husband and I went to see my favorite band play in Raleigh. It was a fabulous evening of gorgeous music and just general fun.

I tried to be in the moment during the show, and I was struck by how much that increased my enjoyment of the experience. At one point, the band was singing a song about how "sometimes rain that's needed, falls," and the crowd all around me was singing those same lyrics, and I realized that almost everyone in the whole theater was sharing in this beautiful quiet moment of joint attention. Which was rather transcendent, actually.

That moment got me thinking about how people bond.

I teach social skills groups to children with autism, ADHD, and general difficulty with social language skills at work each week. The last 2 weeks, we've focused on "making friends." We've learned about how to choose which person might make a good friend, how to learn about that person, how to ask about his/her favorite topics each time you see him/her, and how to judge whether your friendly gestures are being taken well or not.

But, we have not focused on what makes some friendships "click." On how to bond with friends. Which is ultimately my goal for each of my students...to get them to the point where they are able to bond with others.

The interesting thing to me here, is that this band we went to see tonight, it's not my husband's favorite band. It's mine. Yet he indulged me; he entered into my interest. And we shared a beautiful bonding experience together because of that. It deepened our relationship to share joint attention together.

So this week, I'm going to remember that my students (and my family, too, for that matter!) really want me to come and see their favorite "band." To stand and listen and watch the things they really love. To have me appreciate the things they find amazing.

Hopefully I can do just that.




Have you indulged friends' or family members' or students' interests and reaped the reward of a stronger connection? I'd love to hear about it!